The Inevitable

I try really hard not to be pessimistic about my health conditions and although I know that humor won't make any of them go away it's definitely something I use to lighten the mood that surrounds the never-ending wake of bad news that follows with each and every doctor appointment, phone call, "episode", etc.

My family and friends ask me all the time (bless their hearts) how I am doing, how I am feeling and if they can do anything to help.  My answer is always the same and always surrounded by some sort of smart-ass comment.  We laugh it off and I always try to revert the conversation to a different topic.  What many of them have figured out by now is that right beneath the surface of my not-so-detailed answer to their question is my massive meltdown filled with anger, pain and resentment that is rapidly rising to the surface.

With each new day comes new trials and tribulations and while each and every one of us has to face them we all take a very different approach in doing so.  But at some point when things get just too much to bear we lose it.  I can honestly say I've hit that point only a few times given my diagnosis's.  The hardest part is that with each new symptom, each new issue, the "I don't know" result from each physician and the inevitable outcome is the hardest pill to swallow.  We all have to face facts that at some point in life our bodies will fail and we have to except our fate.  It's the ride we must take to get there that I'm having the issue with.

Over the last few years I have been through some pretty craptastical health issues as have most people, but the whole purpose of going through all of them was so that I could be around for my children.  I want to raise them, watch them grow into wonderful, healthy, happy adults, be there for them throughout all of their lives. Cheer them on as they play sports, hold them when their first love hurts their feelings, tell them how proud of them they are on the day they graduate, dance with them at their wedding's, help them along as they have children of their own...do all the things a parent gets to do.

Last night after yet another awful "in-explainable" yet "troublesome" issue occurred I laid with my son to hold him as he drifted off to sleep.  Right before he drifted off he turned to me and pulled my arms around him and whispered "hold me mommy, I don't like it when I can't feel you". I buried my head into his back and told him "I will always be here."  But as he drifted off to sleep I sat there and cried because I can't keep that promise.  What if I'm not there for him?  I have no control over what's going on inside my body and at this point my physician's can't figure it out so really it's just a guessing game.  I know what I have already diagnosed but there are so many other underlying possibilities it's unreal.

And what about my kids?  Did I pass these awful things onto them?  It's just so unfair.  I would take everything a million times over as long as they don't have to have one ounce of this.  I wouldn't wish any of these things on my worst enemy, let alone my very reasons for being.

I realize this is a pity party, but today is just that kind of day.  I know that there are people out there who are far worse off than I am, and to those people I can't imagine how you do it.  I don't need, want nor am I looking for sympathy with this blog, this is just a way for me to get out some of my feelings.  I always get so many compliments on how strong I am, but really it just depends on the day. Some are better than others as you can tell.

I hope for the best for all but I'm realistic as well.  I supposed I could end this is on a lighter note since this is definitely NOT one of my more favorable blogs....the snow has stopped here in good old NY and I'm guessing every school that has closed is probably really pissed right about now.  Happy snow day to all the kids out there if you have one today :)