Losing Battle

"Chose your battles wisely" or so the saying goes, but lately it seems as though the battles are not my choice and I'm not on the winning side.  Everyone has their things they go through on a daily basis, some more severe than others.  Who is anyone to judge anyone else on what they are going through or how they should feel about it.  I know people mean well when they try to make others feel better but if I hear one more preaching sermon from Joe Blow I may just slap someone.  Sometimes I just want to be able to go through the emotions of what I'm going through and let that be ok. 

It's been a few years coming and I knew that I would have to face it eventually but I guess I felt that if I didn't face it right then or really at all, I wouldn't have to do it.  And part of me feels selfish because I have 2 amazing children and there are families out there who can't have their own children and they would do anything to be able to do so and I've already been able to do so.  Although having them didn't come without almost losing my own life, but don't think for a second I wouldn't do it all over again because I would. I would do anything for my children, anything at all.

I always thought I would have one more.  But that is just one battle I am not going to win.  All my doctors have agreed I wouldn't survive another pregnancy or delivery and I can't risk leaving my kids behind.  So I went to the doctor yesterday and I got the call today that the surgery has been scheduled for 2 weeks from tomorrow.  It's official that one chapter of my life is closing and I need to move on to the next one.

In one way I suppose it's something very positive.  It's one more way I can cement trying to be here for my kids as long as possible.  And now that they are getting older we can take those fun family vacations now that they are more independent.  With the two of them I only need to divide my attention between them which is easier than with more children.

In another way, as a woman being able to create a life and have it live inside you for almost a year and have that bond with you is something I just am not ready to give up.  For someone else to make that decision for you just sucks.  For other people to tell you that this is what you have to do instead of you decided your family is complete sort of leaves a void.  I have a wonderful family but it's hard to explain to my children when they ask me why we don't have a baby or why they can't have a baby brother or sister.  To tell them mommy can't and have them ask why not is something they don't understand and I don't go into so I avoid it as much as possible.  Luckily they are easily distracted by something more fun to do or to talk about.  

Please don't misunderstand I am more than happy with my family.  I wouldn't want to change a thing.  I am more depressed that someone else gets to decide when my family is complete, when my body has had enough.  I've fought this battle for so long and so it seems I've lost.  I suppose it's on to the next one....