To most people, she is just like any other woman. She is busy of course being a wife and mother and trying to keep together the unruly schedule that is her life. Some wonder how she does it with so many places to be and so much going on in her life. She always seems to have a smile on her face even in the most chaotic of circumstances. What they don't see is what's behind the smile.
No one takes the time to really look her in the eyes. If they did, they would see all her pain. They would see right through her plastered on smile and "keep it together" attitude to find that she is actually quite broken inside. They would see that she is lonely, so very lonely. They would see that there really isn't an ounce of who she really is left in her, even she doesn't recognize herself when she looks in the mirror,
Why does she hide? Why won't she just open up? What is locked inside so deep that she has changed who she is altogether? She'll never tell. She has no one to tell it to even if she wanted to. Life has gone down too many unexpected roads. She made the best of what she could and now she just locks away the rest.
She's tired. So very tired of standing in the shadows of all those around her. Tired of having more people look through her than at her. Tired of being that someone who is standing in place of someone else because she is the one that is "good enough" but doesn't compare to "the one that got away." She can't fight anymore. She can't remember what she started to fight for in the first place and it's been so long since anyone fought for her that she finally decided it was time to give up.
She's sad. She's sad that no matter what she does, she will never be good enough. She will never get the answers she has been longing to know for such a long time. She knows that in time, she won't even be a memory because she just doesn't mean that much to him. She watches him watch other women, She knows she can't compare to them, but she tries anyway. He never looks in her direction. She listens to his stories about everything else that makes him happy, but for some reason she can't make him happy, no matter how hard she tries.
She's lost. No one seems to be around anymore. Everyone has gone on with their lives and here she sits. She has no one to talk to, no one to support her. She cries. She knows her only mission in life is to be the best person she can be, and it's just not good enough.
She's worried. If the world can ignore her. If she is not good enough for even one person, how will she be able to be the role model her children deserve? How will she show them strength and values when the world around her constantly crashes down?
She's aware. She knows she isn't beautiful. She knows she isn't the ideal body type. She knows she isn't the most intelligent woman in the world, but she can't help but wonder why just one person can't see her as better than what's on the outside. She knows she'll never be the woman who walks into a room and is able to turn anyone's head, although just once she would love to know what it feels like for someone to tell her she is beautiful and know they truly mean it. She knows that she will always have to love someone more than she will be loved, and once upon a time she thought that would be enough. Turns out, it isn't.
She's hurt. She stays up all night and mostly cries to herself. She wants to badly to be with him. But he doesn't want her. He'll never want her. Not the way she wants him to. Maybe she needs to give up on that too. She doesn't want to be "free" but she doesn't want to be burdened every night either. Why could he not see her for something more? Why is it always about him? Why does it have to hurt so much?
She's losing. The battle that arises each day within herself only grows. She knows the right thing to do, but she hasn't had the nerve to do it yet. She's holding onto something so desperately that has let her go a long time ago. She needs to concentrate on her children and herself and nothing more, yet she can't let go. Each day she loses a little more of herself to this.
She's empty. Her heart is full of secrets and her soul is full of scars. She has nothing left to fight with and nothing more to offer. If she wasn't good enough to begin with, she's no where near good enough now. She knows her life is nothing more than what she knows it to be. She needs to stop pretending it could ever change. It's time to hold on for dear life and let go.
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