The story behind the photo....

So many people see this photo and think this is just an ordinary photo of a woman holding her newborn baby, she is obviously tired and while you are looking at the photo you may assume the feelings behind the tiredness are that of overwhelming joy and gratitude.  While these feelings were there what you wouldn't think of is that this woman and her new baby are also having what would be one of their many harshest bonding moments together.  This beautiful little boy if left in-utero for only one more day would not have survived and this woman nearly didn't make it through the delivery and post delivery of this most precious baby.  So in this moment this mommy and her baby are not only getting to know one another but are also preparing for what could be their only moments together.  How do I know? This woman is me, and that precious little boy is my son Brian.

While this little bundle of joy was in the midst of being born (via c-section) and I was laying on the operating table I remember the nurses telling me he was a miracle baby.  I thought "what the hell is she talking about, the baby is fine, I am the one in trouble here.  For Christ sake you just asked my mother which one of us she wanted you to save."  (which went over really well with her by the way.)  I looked up at my husband and he looked at me and said "Don't worry he's ok".  Apparently the cord was wrapped around his neck and it only had 2 vessels which explained why his heart rate decelerated the night before.  But once I heard him crying then I started to cry, I knew he was good so I could relax a little, they brought him around to see me and oh my was he tiny, 5lbs 15oz.  He was so small, but he was healthy and that's all that mattered.

All the sudden things went south and fast, I heard "her blood pressure is rising, it's time to close".  I thought "no shit, I want off this damn table anyway."  The Dr. was telling me that I needed to calm down and take deep breaths.  Take deep breaths?  He could see my damn diaphragm...I was breathing deep, I couldn't feel a damn thing so I was doing my best.

They told Tom to take the baby and go wait in recovery, and with that a nurse escorted them out.  I remember thinking that may very well be the last time I ever see them.  I started to cry once again.  I just closed my eyes and an incredibly sweet nurse came to my side and held my hand and stroked my forehead and told me it would be ok.  I heard the Dr. say to the nurse "we have to hurry or she'll stroke out on the table."  "Great". I thought.  "Just fantastic".

Somehow I made it out of the operating room.  I've never been so happy to get to recovery.  I saw Tom and Brian and I just lost it.I couldn't wait to hold my baby.  I took him in my arms and that's what you see above. The Dr. said "It's going to be a waiting game now.  You need to be monitored and watched CAREFULLY. Anything can happen."

The next few days Brian and I spent a lot of time together.  I never put him down unless I had to.  We talked a lot.  I told him all about all the things I wanted for him.  I told him how happy I was that he was a part of my life and even if I wasn't able to be around for him physically, I would always be there for him in his heart. I was so scared he would never know me.  I was terrified I wouldn't make it and I would leave my daughter and now my newborn son behind.

I am not an overly religious person but I prayed a lot over the next few weeks, and I know a lot of other people did too.  I begged for the chance to stay and raise my children, no matter what battles I would have to face, I would do whatever I needed to so I could be a part of my children's lives.

I was back and forth to the hospital and for a while I was in a lot of trouble.  I was on mag bags and lots of what we'll call suck-ass I.V drips.  My BP reached levels of 240/145 which in most cases would lead to strokes and death but somehow I made it.

I cried a lot, I had to leave my kids at home with family and believe me, I fought kicking and screaming so much so my OBGYN actually told me "I wish you were at 6 weeks post op so you weren't my patient anymore, you scare the hell out of me."  Thanks.  That means a lot.

To this day no one has an answer for what the hell happened to me during or after I gave birth with either of my kids but especially after I had Brian.  I was given a less than 20% chance to make it through the delivery and it went down from there day by day but here I am today, writing this.

And today is my son's 4th Birthday :)  Happy Birthday baby boy <3

And he and I can say we both survived quite and ordeal the day he was born and from that day forward. But I would do it all over again for both of my kids.  I just love them so much.