I sit here filling out this paper work, this packet, this novel of paper work attempting to prove to some stranger who I don't know all the turmoil I've been through this past year and how for the first time I have to admit that I need help. This is not me....
I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I am stronger than this. I am not this person who wants to sit around all day long wondering when I am going to feel good enough to get up and go. Some days are better than others and I can get up off the chair and do things, others it's just not going to happen. This is not me....
I have to prove to someone, someone I don't know that I am actually broken. Broken enough that I can't handle taking care of myself enough to get up and go to work. So now I'm lazy, ignorant, irresponsible. This is not me....
These questions are repulsive, who can help me prove that I am disabled? Really? No I am not disabled, men and women who fight for their country and lost limbs, vital organs, their lives and have nothing for their loved ones left behind, they deserve this money I don't. The hero's who run into burning buildings or risk their lives rescuing people from raging waters or stunts gone wrong knowing full well that the people they love dearly may wake up tomorrow without them here, they deserve the help. This is not me....
To have people look at me, make comments to me, "you look just fine", "you're so young", "this is how you want to live forever?" No. This is not me....
I want to take care of my children and right now asking for help is the only thing I can do. It's humiliating to ask the government to look at me as a disabled person because on the outside, no I don't "look the part." On the inside, I'm dying. I can't jump out of bed, get ready and go. I have to prep myself to lift my body out of bed. I have to get up the strength to get down on the floor to play with my kids. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know what it's like to have your child look at you and ask you to play and then apologize to you because they know you can't but they just want you to play "like you used to". Do you know what it's like to look at them and wish "this is not me?!"
It's heartbreaking to look at yourself in the mirror and think you are worth more dead than you are alive. It's horrifying to know that at a ripe age when everyone else around you gets to experience all the fun things you were supposed to do you have to turn to someone else and ask them to do it...with YOUR CHILDREN. And when you see their beautiful happy faces having the time of their lives you know it's NOT WITH YOU.
So do me a solid on this one, stop looking down on people when they ask for help. It's hard enough to prove to myself that I can't do it alone, let alone to a perfect stranger. I have a goal to not be labeled disabled and there is nothing wrong with being disabled, by no means am I saying that. I want to go back to work and be the mom I was before all this shit happened. I want to go back to playing horsey with my kids and running around outside with them. I HATE having to apply for disability because I am taking it away from someone else who did something to at least be proud of who they are and not be ashamed. I am ashamed, because this is not me.
It's not about being proud, it's not about being weak, it's not about asking for help. I've always been that girl who I swore would teach my children that I would be here for them no matter what. What good am I now? I can't even have the fun they need me to have with them. I can't prove to be the mom they deserve. And that is not me....
You are NOT taking it away from someone else. You are taking it because at this point in your life you NEED it. There are a bunch of people who may need it more, but there is also a bunch of people who need it way less. Don't ever think that you are taking advantage and don't let people who don't know you define you. There are a million different ways to be disabled and you happen to fit into one of those categories right now. Don't let that bring you down. You are strong because you're brave enough to ask for help when you know you need it. That's a strength not a weakness and it's definitely not taking advantage of anything or anyone. I understand how hard it can be to ask for and take help, because I was raised to know that there is always someone way worse off than you - BUT that doesn't mean that you don't need help for where you at - OR that you can even help someone else instead of yourself. Your children know you love them, that you would do anything for them, and even that you wish you could do more - Guess what? - they just love you more because of that. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDelete