She cries

My child is being bullied in school already, at the young age of 6 and this is what I wrote about it:

She cries when she gets home from school because of what they said
She tells me that the words hurt her heart and buries her face in her bed
She looks up at me with her tear-filled eyes and begs me not to make her go to school tomorrow
The pain shines through her eyes; all the hurt; all the sorrow

I tell her it will be better and hold her for a while
I tell her funny stories about my childhood and try to make her smile
Her brother comes in and gives her a hug and tells her how he loves her
Even the dog comes in and jumps on her and begs her to pet his fur

She calms down enough to go and play and I go and make a call
I call to tell the teacher how much she's hurting and this is not acceptable at all!
She agrees completely and we devise a plan to make it all alright
We hang up, I sob a while and then go about my night

We go about our night's routine, dinner, bath, book, and bed
I tell my kids what wonderful things await them in the coming day ahead
They finally drift off to sleep and I lay there wide awake
Wondering if tomorrow I can send her to school or if it will be a huge mistake

The next morning we all get up and get ready for the day
She turns to me as we head out the door and begins to say
"Mommy please don't make me go to school today" as tears run down her cheeks
"I don't want those boys to call me names and say mean things when my eyes begin to leak"

I break down and tell her that today will be a better day
She looks at me and replies "you said that yesterday!"
I pick her up and hold her tight and promise her the best
"It won't be good, it will be bad, just like all the rest!"

It kills me that she has to go through this hell each and every day
I wish I could go and hold her hand and take it all away
I am doing my best and but it seems like no matter what I try
I feel like I am completely failing my baby when she cries

Parents, please teach your children about bullying....my child is being bullied right now and she is 6 years old and no child deserves it.  I can't stand watching her cry every day and every night over these boys her pick on her over ridiculous things.  They target my daughter because she is quiet, shy, reserved and doesn't do confrontation unless of course it's with her brother.  I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS.  I WILL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR MY CHILDREN.  As parents, we need to teach them NOT to bully others.  If you were a bully or if you were bullied, you should talk to your children about your experiences.  No child should ever feel bad about being who they are.  We should want better for our children.  I know I do.  I'm tired of watching my child cry.  I will not stand for it.  Neither should you....

Lift Me Up

                                                             "Lift Me Up"
                                                        (feat. Rob Halford)
                                                 By Five Finger Death Punch

It ain't no mystery
I'm all I have left
I'm pushing back and running you over

I've been thrown down run around
Beaten 'til I hit the ground
Telling you right now that it's over

There's no room for mistakes
All the cards are in place
Say what you will but say it to my face

Better back the fuck up
Better shut the fuck up
I'll do what I want and I'll never give up

I won't be broken
I won't be tortured
I won't be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around

Lift me up above this
The flames and the ashes
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up above this
The broken the empty
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up

I'm gonna change history
Enlighten the world
Teach them how to see through my eyes

I'm gonna lash back check that
Fatal as a heart attack
Stomp out all the ugliest lies

You can't convince me to change
We ain't on the same page
I've had my fill now there's nothing but rage

Best get out of my way
'Cause there's nothing to say
Is that all that you got?
Because I ain't got all day

I won't be broken
I won't be tortured
I won't be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around

Lift me up above this
The flames and the ashes
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up above this
The broken the empty
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up

I won't be broken
I won't be tortured
I won't be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around

Lift me up above this
The flames and the ashes
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up above this
The broken the empty
Lift me up and help me to fly away

Lift me up to fly away
Lift me up to fly away
Lift me up

Thanks to Andrew Stewart for adding these lyrics.
Thanks to Taylor, Dustin, Travis Smith, Aubree Running Hawk for correcting these lyrics.


This song struck me today because I was arguing with my husband when I left to go to the grocery store and when I was coming back this came on the radio. I listened to it and realized that the lyrics were absolutely perfect for me.

Throughout this life so far I have been kicked and beaten more times than I would care to remember.  I am so sick of it and I always turn to him for comfort.  When we argue I really hate it because I'm always waiting for that one time when we just call it quits.  We don't argue anywhere near the amount we used to and I think that's because I've been so close to dying more times than we'd like to admit.  

Every time I pull through we become closer because we realize how much we mean to each other.  You never know if today is going to be your last day so when you're faced with that possibility you want to tell that person you were supposed to share your entire life with just how much you love them.  There is something truly remarkable that happens when you're laying next to someone's hospital bed holding their hand after the Dr. comes in and tells you that there is definitely hope but the odds are stacked against you.

He is the one who lifts me up when I get told some bad news by a Dr. or when we are faced with a new challenge gives me hope that everything will be ok.  He gives me the strength and encouragement to take on every new challenge and take it head on and kick the shit out of it. Without him I'm absolutely certain I would be 6 feet under by now.  

However my personality is very strong and sometimes I am just sick of the bullshit.  I say it like it is and that's that.  Everyone who knows me knows that.  I am tired of fighting a losing battle on certain things and sometimes I feel like if I don't fight for myself no one else is going to.  There is only so much one person can take.  When I'm having a moment, leave me be.  

I can bend and bend and sometimes I break.  I don't need Ms. Suzy Sunshine to some blow some happy go lucky bullshit up my ass either.  I think we have established that I am who I am and if anything going through all these hurdles have made me stronger so chances are I'm not going to change that part of me anytime soon.  

I love my husband very much and I owe him more than I can ever repay.  I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired.  But I am never going to give up.  I need a little room for understanding and perhaps both sides could give a little on that one.  I guess we'll take it like everything else, one day at a time.

Hero's

For those who do not know, I come from a family of first responders.  My brother a professional firefighter (as well as a volunteer), my father a volunteer firefighter, uncles, cousins all firefighters and some policemen. I have some other cousins and an uncle who served in the armed forced (I don't want to leave them out). They all do different things in their lives and different things within eat job but they have one thing in common; They are all Hero's.

If you ask them they will tell you they are no such thing, they are simply doing what they love.  For them it's second nature, they don't give it a second thought.  I don't know how they do it.  Take my brother.  He has a wife and 2 adorable children at home.  Everyday he puts his life on the line for strangers.  When everyone else is running out of a burning building, he runs in.  He puts his own life in danger to save the life of a complete stranger.  He doesn't think twice about it, he just does it.  Same thing with life-threatening situations like car accidents, search and rescue situations, you name it, he's going after someone to save their life. He is a hero.

I used to go down to the fire house where he volunteered and when that bell rang he just jumped into action, no thought, no doubt, just up and went.  It always amazed me.  I always wondered how these first responders did it.  I would be scared out of my mind.  I know I couldn't do it, I think I would just freeze up. He's been doing this since we were kids.

My dad used to take us down to the firehouse when we were little and we would hang out with the firemen and play on the firetrucks and pretend we were going on calls and such.  Of course me being the younger one it always intimidated me, but not my brother, it was always his passion.  He is AMAZING at it too.

On the 12th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the first responders and men and women in the armed forces who have protected all of us and been our hero's day in and day out.  You don't get nearly the credit you deserve especially for the amount of danger you put yourselves in on a daily basis.  You're bravery has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated.  You are our hero's and the backbone of our country.  May God bless each and everyone of you and keep you safe every day.  To my brother especially, I love you and want you to know that you have always been my hero since we were little and always will be.

Mommies feel

When my kids are doing something they shouldn't or fighting uncontrollably sometimes I want to tear my hair out as every parent does.  When we are in the grocery store and they are having a meltdown because I bought the Goldfish in the orange bag instead of the orange and white bag I want to leave the cart where it is, take the kids and get the hell out of the store.  When we are on hour 4 of a Songebob marathon I want to put my shoe through the TV just to make the obnoxious sound go away.  When we are laying in bed for hours and I am reiterating over and over; and over and over again "go to bed it's late" I want to turn over and put ear plugs in and pretend they actually listened and are asleep.

When my kids fall and scrape a knee or elbow and only mommy can make it better with a band-aid and a kiss it makes me feel important.  When I drop them off at school and I get the "I'm putting on my brave face for you but deep down I'm on the edge of tears" look, I want to run over, pick them up, hold them and never let go.  When they accomplish something for the first time and they realize they can do things by themselves, I feel proud.

When my kids hug  me for no reason, kiss me goodnight, tell me how much they love me, ask if we can be together forever, play games with me, snuggle with me, cuddle with me, hold my hand, sleep next to me, or are just with me, I feel joy, love, and absolutely complete.

Mother's go through every emotion there is and then some.  It's difficult to put into words but sometimes just looking at my kids it's overwhelming to know how much I love them and need them.  Before I was a mom my world was so different and looking back it was insignificant and incomplete.  I was put on this earth to be a mom.  I may not be good at a lot of things, and even though it sounds conceded I know I am a good mom. It's a constant roller coaster full of worry, love, compassion, joy, and everything in between and mommies feel every emotion along the way.  I am truly blessed to have such amazing children.

Inspirations

Tonight I was online with my fellow "Chiarians" and I was reading some of their stories and I have to say some of these people are truly amazing.  We've all had some really craptastical things happen in our lives and each and every one of them changes who we are as people.  Some people think that other people's situations are worse than ones they may have gone through but it doesn't make what they have gone through or what they may be going through any less important (stole that line from my bestie and she's right by the way).

A lot of my friends often ask me how I make it through the shit I have gone through and the shit I am going through with the attitude I have.  It's not something I can explain.  It's just something we all have to do.  This is the hand I was dealt, and now I have to run with it.  It's not like I can hide from it.

A few people have told me I have inspired them, which absolutely made my day but shocked me too because I am not the person who usually inspires people.  I'm the loud mouth in the back of the room telling everyone else to shut up or the reason everyone in the group got in trouble cause it was all "my idea"...you see where I'm going.

If I can help someone do something good, that is awesome and I'm so happy to do so, but it's not something I thought I was doing by sharing my experiences.  I have come to realize though since joining this online support group for other people who have the same ailment I do, they have inspired me to not only help other's whenever possible but also that by sharing all the positives and negatives it really does help others. Just letting someone else know they are not alone is worth so much to someone who is suffering on the inside.

There is one story in particular that has really struck a cord with me and this poor woman has gone through so much and her recovery has been just awful.  She has had CSF leak, after leak, after leak which is not a good thing.  Her dr. has had to go back into her incision 3 times and so obviously this poor woman has gone through a lot.  But she has the most upbeat attitude about life.  Her symptoms are still there, her surgeries are terrible and the recovery sucks but she is funny, down to earth and just a joy to talk to.  I'm sure she has her down in the dumps moments but she doesn't show them in the group.  She is just happy to be here and be as close to her "normal" as possible.  That is inspiring.

It's people like her and stories like that, that make everything else seem so trivial.  I think that's why it's easier to look at other situations in life and just walk away.  If it isn't THAT important I'm not wasting my time.  I want to enjoy my time.  I want to enjoy my children and my husband.  I want them to know that even though times can get hard, there are always silver linings, and brighter days.  If we're still breathing, it's a good day.

Maybe to some this may be cheesy but I really don't care.  When you're faced with the idea that you may not be around very long you take any chance you can to make your imprint.  I know I'm making mine.  I want to inspire my kids to be the very best they can be and to inspire others to do the same.  I want the world to know that if you are suffering from anything, don't hide it because just by talking about it you could inspire someone else.

The stories I have read with these "Chiarians" are truly amazing.  Some are good and some not so much. Some are very sad and some are oddly familiar.  But they all have one thing in common, they all are inspiring.