Holiday Cheer

Well tomorrow is Thanksgiving and just like every other year everyone who celebrates is either running around crazy trying to prepare for the upcoming holiday's feast or planning their trip(s) to their selected stores to get this years deals on the biggest shopping day of the year, "black Friday".  Perhaps others are traveling to loved ones houses in a different part of the state or country, and if so, I apologize right now because we all know how much fun airports, bus and train stations can be and of course rush hour on all major high ways the day before a holiday.  So let's break this down a bit shall we?!

First: if you are preparing the meal: it is a royal pain in the ass but let me be the first to tell you, the people who are eating it are beyond appreciative of it or at least they should be.  It is an insane amount of work and it's over in about 20 minutes and then the clean-up takes another hour and a half but those 20 minutes are pure bliss.  For those preparing the meal, you are amazing and thank you for doing so.  I did it last year and unless I absolutely HAVE to, I am so not doing it again anytime soon unless I move into a bigger house with a much bigger kitchen.  For those eating the dinner you did not prepare: do the damn dishes!

Second: if you are planning to go black Friday shopping, do not be one of those people who beats the shit out of someone else over a $5.00 savings on an iPad because in a week it's going to be cheaper somewhere else.  You want a $5.00 savings but if you get arrested now you're going to have to pay for a lawyer, court fees, spend some time in jail, etc.  Now ask yourself is it really worth it?   I think not.  Don't be THAT person.

Third: if you are traveling for the holidays no matter by what mode; plane, train or automobile please be considerate of other people.  There will be delays, there will be traffic and there will be that family with that screaming kid right next to your seat on the plane or train.  There will be no need to say some nasty comment about them or about how the workers are so slow at getting your baggage from point A to point B, remember they are working on the holiday's too.

Above all let's remember that it is the holiday season and for whatever reason instead of being holly and jolly at some time or another we all turn a little grouchy.  You may notice a slight sarcasm in this blog, it's there for a reason. I am hoping that this year we can all turn a little naughty into a little nice.  Maybe if we see someone having a bad day or going through a rough patch we could lend a hand to help out.  A little holiday cheer never hurts :)

Happy Thanksgiving to all :)

Behind Those Eyes

"Every time I see you I look deep into your eyes and it tells me everything I need to know.  You can tell me everything you think I want to hear but your eyes say it all.  They tell your whole story.  You're sad, depressed and undoubtedly lost my dear friend.   

Sometimes I wonder how long you're going to let this charade go on.  When are you going to realize your self worth?  You let yourself get walked on every single day.  And every time you tell yourself "this is the last time I'm going to let this happen" you kick yourself because you said that the last time.  Only you know why you stay.  The way it used to be is no longer the way it is now.  It's so hard to say good-bye but it hurts so much more to hold on to something that has let you go so long ago.  

Its getting harder and harder to hide the hurt.  You're friends are all starting to notice.  You've alienated yourself from everyone.  It's not like they don't want to be there for you, it's that you don't know how to let them be there at this point.  So many have gone already and of the ones who are left, will they understand what you have to say?

Tough call to make on this one.  Maybe it's time to let it all go.  Let all the pain out and let all the hurt go. I'm tired of the way things are.  I'm tired of looking into your eyes and seeing what I see.  I'm tired of the fighting. I don't want to do it anymore.  You don't have control over much, so why not take control of what you can and make it work?!  It just may be time to make yourself happy.  

Can you walk away?  Can you reinvent yourself?  Of course you can!  You just have to put one foot in front of the other and take it one step at a time."  I said to my reflection.  "Maybe someday."

Thankful

With Thanksgiving drawing near there are all sorts of things showing up on social media networks that are asking for lists on "what are you thankful for?"  Some people get really into it and others seems to get really pissed that other people do it.  I could care less either way, but that's just me.  I enjoy reading what other people are thankful for.  It's usually the same sort of things, family, friends, husbands, wives, parents, etc. Lately it's been more materialist but in a funny way; a comfy bed, a fluffy blanket on a cold fall night, things like that.

I usually don't participate in these lists so to speak but they do make me think.  Lately things haven't been going so well for me from a health standpoint (surprise) but that is another story and certainly for another blog.  Anyway, with this season of "Thanks" coming up I have given it some thought and with all the crap that's been going on here's what I have come up with.

In the tradition I am of course thankful for my family and friends.  Without them I wouldn't get through the day.  The fact that I can call upon my besties anytime I need them and know that they will be there even though we haven't talked in a while means the world to me.  I hope they know I will always be there for them as well.  I've always been very fortunate to have a lot of friends but a handful of truly BEST friends.  They know who they are and to them, without you, I would be nothing and I love each and every one of you dearly.

My brother who has been the one stable man in my life since birth will always be my rock.  Even though we may fight every now and again and even though we went through a tough time as kids we make it through everything because we have a relationship that is unlike any other.  We know we can lean upon each other no matter what.  My brother is the absolute best there is and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him and the same goes for me with him.  When I went in for brain surgery I would not go until I saw him, I had to see his face and he had to tell me it would be ok for me to go in. He is without a question of a doubt the best there is, and I am thankful everyday to call him brother.

My parents as a couple everyone knows is not great but separately they bring their own unique talents.  My father showed me how to stand up for myself so if you ever wonder where I get my attitude and perhaps my mouth, thank him.  We butt heads a lot and perhaps that is why, but I am thankful that I have his hard-headedness.  

My mother is the most wonderful woman on the planet.  She gave up everything she ever had to raise my brother and I.  She showed us how to make something from nothing.  Even though she may have come from "the poor side of the tracks" as some may have called her, she made a wonderful life for us, and ANYONE who knows her knows how wonderful she is.  We also butt heads a lot but I think it's because we are so much alike.  I want to show my children as much love as she has shown me over the years.  She is the best mother anyone could ever ask for.  I hope I make her proud.

I am thankful that I am married to the most wonderful man who puts up my shit.  I am very certain that no one else would.  There are days that we drive each other absolutely crazy and some days I wonder how the hell we ever thought getting married was a good idea.  But, I know in my heart he is the most wonderful man and we were made for each other.  We are perfect for one another.  We call each other out on our bullshit, we make each other laugh, we make each other cry, we get angry, we yell, we smile, and everything in between.  I know that no matter what he will stand by me.  Through sickness and in health which unfortunately I am not blessed with, and through all my issues he has stood by me.  Never once has he looked away.  Never once has he backed down.  He has taken care of me, stepped up to the plate and told me we would get through it, and we have. He is my true love, my soul mate, my destiny.  I love you Tom.

My children is what I am most thankful for.  I always knew I wanted children but I never dreamed that they would be this wonderful.  I know we have our days where we argue and they are fighting all day and I want to pull my hair out....but even those days I wouldn't trade for anything.  

Looking into their eyes and seeing their sparkle, their innocence, their magic makes me realize how lucky I am.  I may not have a fancy house, a lot of money, or a cushy job but I am the richest woman in the world because I have them.  They are healthy and happy and that's all I can ask for.  I pray that they don't have any of my health issues, that they live long, healthy, happy lives.  I pray that I can watch them grow up, get married and have kids of their own.  My biggest fear is that I won't be able to.  I am thankful for the time I've already had with them, and hopeful for the time I will get with them in the future. I am hanging on to that hope and thanking God everyday for my time with them.

I am thankful for every minute with them.  I am thankful that they are here with me now.  I am thankful that they love to believe in Santa, the Tooth Fairy and all the make believe childhood offers because it goes by way too fast.  Once it's gone, it's gone forever and I am thankful I can share it with them now. 

My wishes for them are long and plentiful and I hope that one day they see that what I am doing for them now is all in connection to make all their dreams come true.  I want everything for them, and I will do everything and anything in my power to make sure their lives are perfect for them.  After I am gone I hope they will hold a piece of me with them in their hearts so they can always feel me with them.    

I am thankful for all those who I can share my life with, especially my family and friends.  I am thankful to those are reading this.  You who read this make me happy to blog.  So thank you, and Happy Thanksgiving :)

The bonds that bind

Dropping my kids off at school today was quite the experience.  For some reason or another they both had breakdowns and cried.  My daughter gave me the brave look and wiped away her tears and told me there was "nothing wrong" but the look on her face with the tears billowing in her eyes said it all.  My son who couldn't wait to go to school all morning squeezed my leg like it was his job and told me "but I love you and I miss you mommy" as tears filled his big brown eyes when I told him I had to go.

It's moments like these that just breaks my heart into pieces.  Now people tell me over and over again that it's harder on me and it'll be ok, it just takes time.  And while I know they'll be fine there is just so much more to this situation than anyone knows.  Every mother has their own unique bond with their children.  Each one is special in it's own way.

For me and my children we have been through an awful lot in a short amount of time.  Each time a new challenge came our way, we overcame it together and it was because of them that I am able to be here today.

With each one of them I was told that my survival rate was less than favorable.  With Katie is was 50/50 and with Brian it was almost certain that one or both of us weren't going to make it out of that operating room.  No one knows how we did but here we are.  We defied the odds both times and were able to create an unspoken bond of love and gratitude.

So to see them so sad, even over something so little as dropping them off at school seems so ridiculous to everyone and I know how it sounds to the world.  But to me it's heart-wrenching to know that this something they have to do on their own and I can go so far to make them feel better but there is a fine line I cannot cross. They have to grow up and be independent and this is where it starts.  Letting go a little a time and showing them I know they can do it, and giving them confidence while supporting them and loving them is the best thing I can do for them.  But it hurts me to know that the way to do that is letting go.  And letting go thus far has made them cry in the beginning. It's scary for them.  It's scary for me.

We'll all be just fine, and deep down I believe that we all know that, but it's hard to accept that this is where we're at already.  I don't want to let go yet.  It's not like their going off to college at this point, but it's not like time is going to stand still either.  I want to enjoy the time we have.  It goes by way too fast :(

Resigning

To Whom It May Concern:

Through the years I have written many letters to many people.  Letters that range from business letters, client letters, to personal letters.  Today I feel it is time to write my resignation letter, but not from a job.  Today I am resigning from a relationship.  A relationship that I should have walked away from years ago.  Since it's obvious the relationship has been over for quite some time now, I feel it's only appropriate to put it down on (electronic) paper as to make it official. So here goes:

There are a million different reasons why I am the way that I am, and I am not in any way obligated to fill you in any of my story anymore.  The bits and pieces of it that you are aware of I'm sure you can manage to put some of it together.  The rest I'm sure you've put together some elaborate story of why I am the she-devil you believe I am.  Trying to make you see any different is pointless and I have no interest in doing so.

I really couldn't care any less of what you think of me at this point.  I am not going to apologize for any of what you think I did wrong, of who you think I am, or of any of my actions that you apparently disagree with.  I am tired of being your excuse for your life.

Life is short as it is.  I am not going to waste any of the time I have left on appeasing you.  You are no longer a priority to me.  I gave you chance after chance after chance.  You continuously disappointed me.  I don't need your brainwashed opinions of what you think the world should be.  None of which I agree with and none of which I want to be around.

I leave this relationship with no interest in ever perusing another one with you again.  Should our paths cross later in life please do not feel obligated to address me in the name of being polite.  I no longer wish to know you.  I no longer care for you.  As of this moment I will never think of you again. I'm not going to say I'm sorry for having it come to this, you've done this to yourself.

Sincerely,

No One You Know

Not a good day....

Today is not a good day, and even though I've come to know them well I'm not entirely sure I'll ever get used to them.  I sit here with my little boy who longs to play with mommy the way we "used" to.  Before mommy got her "boo-boo".  He tells me how I used to be so much fun, I would play on the floor and run around the house and now I can't do that anymore.  If I get on the floor it's not for very long and it takes me forever to get back up.

Am I incapacitated?  No, and thankful for it as well.  But days like today when my son asks me when someone else will be here so he can have someone fun to play with makes it hard to be thankful for much.  I have a hard time looking forward to much on days like today, when I know my kids prefer to be around other people.

Forcing myself to get on the floor to play for a little while makes him smile, so I do.  Deep down he knows it's not the same so he stops playing earlier than he normally would, my sweet little man.  But why should my issues make my little boy have to stop his fun?  This isn't his fault.  He didn't ask for this.

At night when I lay down, my kids will ask me if tomorrow I will feel better so I can be the mommy I used to be.  That is just heartbreaking.  Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better for them if I opted out.  It's terrible because I did these things FOR them.  I wanted to be better FOR them.  I did everything I did to be sure I was here, and in my best health FOR them.  And somehow it all backfired.

When I look outside and see the sun shining and knowing that my kids want to go out to play but they don't ask until daddy or grandma come over it hurts to know that they already know I'm now inferior.  I'm like an old feeble woman.  And I see these people who are perfectly capable of doing things and instead they are just plain lazy and I just want to slap them.  It's like come on, you are capable, go do it while you can!  Other people would love to be able to do things that you can do, and you're not doing things as simple as going for a walk because you're lazy, no other reason, just lazy. Ugh, whatever.

This year I went to our State Fair and I look at all the rides that I will never be able to go on again, and had to sit down a hundred different times because I was so tired.  I'm constantly popping my pain pills which put me into la la land just to get through the day and on days like today getting out of bed is a task all in itself. People say to me, it's only rides, it's only walking, it's just a pill.  Well yeah, but now it's my life.  And now, my kids have to deal with it, my husband, and frankly it's become more of a pain in the ass than anything else.

I hate looking outside knowing that there is so much to do and I can't be a part of it.  Raking leaves and jumping in them, building snowmen, having a snowball fight, going for walks around the neighborhood, playing on the playground, going sledding just to name a few....all things I love to do with my family that I now have to watch them all do from the window.

Today is not good day.  I wish I never did these surgeries.  Everyone says, oh but look what good they did. Yeah look what they did....I loathe self-pity, and here I am.  Today is not a good day.