Today is not a good day, and even though I've come to know them well I'm not entirely sure I'll ever get used to them. I sit here with my little boy who longs to play with mommy the way we "used" to. Before mommy got her "boo-boo". He tells me how I used to be so much fun, I would play on the floor and run around the house and now I can't do that anymore. If I get on the floor it's not for very long and it takes me forever to get back up.
Am I incapacitated? No, and thankful for it as well. But days like today when my son asks me when someone else will be here so he can have someone fun to play with makes it hard to be thankful for much. I have a hard time looking forward to much on days like today, when I know my kids prefer to be around other people.
Forcing myself to get on the floor to play for a little while makes him smile, so I do. Deep down he knows it's not the same so he stops playing earlier than he normally would, my sweet little man. But why should my issues make my little boy have to stop his fun? This isn't his fault. He didn't ask for this.
At night when I lay down, my kids will ask me if tomorrow I will feel better so I can be the mommy I used to be. That is just heartbreaking. Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better for them if I opted out. It's terrible because I did these things FOR them. I wanted to be better FOR them. I did everything I did to be sure I was here, and in my best health FOR them. And somehow it all backfired.
When I look outside and see the sun shining and knowing that my kids want to go out to play but they don't ask until daddy or grandma come over it hurts to know that they already know I'm now inferior. I'm like an old feeble woman. And I see these people who are perfectly capable of doing things and instead they are just plain lazy and I just want to slap them. It's like come on, you are capable, go do it while you can! Other people would love to be able to do things that you can do, and you're not doing things as simple as going for a walk because you're lazy, no other reason, just lazy. Ugh, whatever.
This year I went to our State Fair and I look at all the rides that I will never be able to go on again, and had to sit down a hundred different times because I was so tired. I'm constantly popping my pain pills which put me into la la land just to get through the day and on days like today getting out of bed is a task all in itself. People say to me, it's only rides, it's only walking, it's just a pill. Well yeah, but now it's my life. And now, my kids have to deal with it, my husband, and frankly it's become more of a pain in the ass than anything else.
I hate looking outside knowing that there is so much to do and I can't be a part of it. Raking leaves and jumping in them, building snowmen, having a snowball fight, going for walks around the neighborhood, playing on the playground, going sledding just to name a few....all things I love to do with my family that I now have to watch them all do from the window.
Today is not good day. I wish I never did these surgeries. Everyone says, oh but look what good they did. Yeah look what they did....I loathe self-pity, and here I am. Today is not a good day.
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