The bonds that bind

Dropping my kids off at school today was quite the experience.  For some reason or another they both had breakdowns and cried.  My daughter gave me the brave look and wiped away her tears and told me there was "nothing wrong" but the look on her face with the tears billowing in her eyes said it all.  My son who couldn't wait to go to school all morning squeezed my leg like it was his job and told me "but I love you and I miss you mommy" as tears filled his big brown eyes when I told him I had to go.

It's moments like these that just breaks my heart into pieces.  Now people tell me over and over again that it's harder on me and it'll be ok, it just takes time.  And while I know they'll be fine there is just so much more to this situation than anyone knows.  Every mother has their own unique bond with their children.  Each one is special in it's own way.

For me and my children we have been through an awful lot in a short amount of time.  Each time a new challenge came our way, we overcame it together and it was because of them that I am able to be here today.

With each one of them I was told that my survival rate was less than favorable.  With Katie is was 50/50 and with Brian it was almost certain that one or both of us weren't going to make it out of that operating room.  No one knows how we did but here we are.  We defied the odds both times and were able to create an unspoken bond of love and gratitude.

So to see them so sad, even over something so little as dropping them off at school seems so ridiculous to everyone and I know how it sounds to the world.  But to me it's heart-wrenching to know that this something they have to do on their own and I can go so far to make them feel better but there is a fine line I cannot cross. They have to grow up and be independent and this is where it starts.  Letting go a little a time and showing them I know they can do it, and giving them confidence while supporting them and loving them is the best thing I can do for them.  But it hurts me to know that the way to do that is letting go.  And letting go thus far has made them cry in the beginning. It's scary for them.  It's scary for me.

We'll all be just fine, and deep down I believe that we all know that, but it's hard to accept that this is where we're at already.  I don't want to let go yet.  It's not like their going off to college at this point, but it's not like time is going to stand still either.  I want to enjoy the time we have.  It goes by way too fast :(