The last few days I have been talking to my daughter about friendship and what it means to be a friend, having friend, how it works when you make new ones and what happens to the old ones when you make new ones. School is starting back up soon and of course her class will be filled with some kids she already knows; "old friends" and some kids she'll be meeting for the first time; "new friends". These conversations have for some reason hit a difficult spot for me lately and it's hard to keep the conversation light and airy, fun and fresh when it carries such a heavy burden on myself.
You know everyone goes through the process of making friends, and losing some. Having those few close ones that stick with you for life and those others that come and go faster than you change your underwear. Some have made some lasting impressions on our lives and others have made some deep scars. As a parent you can't let those feelings show. You have to just let life happen and tell your children all about being a good friend and how being friends with everyone is the best thing and knowing that somewhere along the way your child is going to be hurt by another child and your child will probably hurt another child all in the name of friendship. It's all a part of life. It's a part of growing up.
I told my daughter how I moved away from all my friends when I was young and changed schools and how hard it was to say good-bye. How I cried and cried and for so long secretly wished it never happened. I always had a special place for the friends I left behind. Of course I made some pretty amazing friends at the school I moved to and I am so lucky to have a few life-long friends because of it.
Growing up people change, we come into our own and we grow apart from the people we call our friends at the time. It's not always a bad thing, sometimes we part without really saying good-bye we just drift, no hard feelings, no tearful farewell. Other times it's like an episode of Jerry Springer and the whole damn world is involved. You never really know.
Then of course there are the people who you know are always there and can call on when something is wrong. When the phone rings and it's their number you don't have to say anything, you just grab your keys and jump in the car and go and you talk on the way. It could be years in between phone calls, but when something happens, you come together.
Then there are the lifers. The ones who are there through thick and thin. You don't have many of these. They are far and few between. You don't need to talk often, but once you do it's like no time has gone by at all. They are your besties, an extension of yourself, they know you probably better than you know yourself. They are rare and precious.
There are the ones you call your friends but never see or talk to but you like them and think of them as friends so that's just what they are. There are lots of "labels" for lots of different people but the ones in particular that have been on my mind lately are the drifters. The ones that sort of just went away. Not really sure why, just did.
I know at some point we both changed and I know that it happens throughout school and what not but I guess I never really thought it would happen throughout my entire life. So as I sit here and try to tell my daughter all about the wonderful things she is going to do at school and all the wonderful friends she is going to have I began to miss mine. I thought about a few of them and then some more and then I just got sad. I didn't realize how many had drifted away the last few years and I just didn't notice. Life happens I suppose and it's expected, but I didn't stop to take a look around. I'm a person who needs closure so in my own weird way I guess this is my farewell and even though we let go who knows how long ago, I can feel better about it now.
I was talking to my husband about some of them and realized I remember way back when one way but I'm sure they remember it completely different. I see my past one way but others are looking from the outside. I guess it's a good lesson. I mean take high school - I remember that one way but I'm sure someone somewhere has said once upon a time "hey remember that girl who everyone called ___ ____".... Everyone was called something bad probably more than one...I know I was and if you think you weren't you're naive.
In any case I told my daughter she doesn't need to be anything more than exactly who she is because she is perfect just the way she is. And I told her how important it is to be friends with everyone because no one likes to be left out. I know someone will leave her out sometime along the way and it will hurt her and I'll want to punch the little shit but I can't because he/she is just a kid. Someday she'll probably leave someone out and it'll hurt that kid and I don't want that either but I know it'll happen and it's something that seems so small in the bigger scheme of things but kids can be so cruel and it can last a lifetime. Adults can be cruel and that stings just as bad.
It's obvious this blog jumps around a bit but the point I'm trying to make here is please teach your kids to be kind to everyone and I do mean everyone. Time itself will weed out friendships, they don't need to be into cliques and certain social clubs to start out. Drifting apart is hard enough without starting out with boundaries. It's a lot easier to teach our kids to be accepting of everyone in the beginning then to try to unteach hatred down the road.
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