Worry

It's a bad night.   A long night.  A night I know is going to be rough one, not just because I'm uncomfortable and in pain but because I can't shut my mind off.  It happened again, worry crept up and invaded my mind and now I'm playing the what ifs.  Oh how I hate this game.

You know it's one thing to worry about normal things when it comes to your children, things like if they run with sandals, will they fall? What happens when they try the monkey bars for the first time?  If I take a shower while it's just me and them who will end up with the black eye and how will it happen?  Normal things....

Tonight is one of those nights where the abnormal creep into my mind.  The horrible thoughts that keep me up at night and make me physically ill, what if my kids end up like me (health wise?)

Those who know me know I am not a religious person, I have been pushed to the max with faith and call it what you will there are those who have been shaken, tattered, beaten and their faith not broken, I am not one of those people.  Perhaps someday, but it's just not so at this point in my life. I believe in heaven and hell, God and all that is good and bad but for me I have just not found my own faith.  Please leave your judgments to yourself as I have heard them all, thank you.

That being said, I do pray for my children to not have to deal with the crapshoot I have been given as far as health is concerned.  I will take every last bit of unhealthy genes that are out there if it will spare them.  I am more than willing to take it all if it means they don't have to feel it.

We were listening to music tonight and I was watching them dance around and a song came on that shot me back into my teenage years and I remember going to parties and hanging with my friends, not having a care in the world.  Depending on who I was with we would chat up a storm, perhaps have a few drinks, laugh all night long, sit by a bonfire, go back into the woods and make some noise, we lived it up cause that's what you're supposed to do.  Never in a million years did I ever imagine my body was a ticking time bomb.  In a matter of a few years it was slowly going off little by little.  Now that I know what I have to face and have been facing I will need to test my children for such issues because as a lot of ailments are, they are genetic.

Will they have to live with these awful things?  Will they be able to enjoy their carefree days of childhood and being an adolescent?  Once they become adults, reality sets in and "real life" begins.  Paying bills, responsibilities, careers, it's all a part of the life cycle that no one fills us in on until it's on our door step.  It's not so fun.

My kids always ask me when they see my scars, "Will I have to have my head cut open?  Will I have to have my back cut open?"  With the greatest of hope I always reply with the upmost sternness NO!  I will do everything in my power to help to make that stand true. I just don't want this for them.

They deserve to be happy and healthy and live their lives with the carefree enjoyment that every child should. I hate that they have seen so much already and once they get older I only hope they won't realize that what I have been going through is something that could potentially lie within their bodies.

Living in fear is something no one should ever have to endure.  As parents we will always live with that worry that our children may get a bump or bruise here or there but it shouldn't have to be so scary that it keeps us awake at night.  I know I'm not the only one out there.  I know it's not healthy to live this way either.

Every child deserves a healthy and happy childhood, well and adulthood too.  But as parents we need to make sure we give them the best childhood we can so they can make the best adults they can and pave the way for a bright future.  Here's to every child not having to go through any ailments and no parent having to worry...wouldn't that be a perfect world?!