Letting go

Taking my daughter into school today to meet her teachers was a bit surreal.  Walking the halls of an elementary school, my daughter in one hand a stack full of supplies in the other.  Down the first grade hall we went and we found her classroom and in we walked.  She looked so unsure yet steady.  She gave me that "I can do it mom" look and for a moment I thought "you can, but can I?"

It's funny we groom our children to be strong and independent but are we ever really ready to let them go?  I know I'm not.  This is silly to some, I mean it's only first grade.  But she is my first born, my oldest.  And my youngest is off to pre-school this year and I no longer have babies to snuggle with at home.  I know how fast time goes.

I know they are still little and I still have some time to enjoy this cuddley-wuddley time where they actually still like their parents, but I also know it goes fast.  I know that for a bulk of the day at least my daughter is on her own.  She is making new friends, making her imprint on other people, and opening her wings up to the world.  She is starting to see how school really works, how kids really behave and little by little how the "real world" operates and it is absolutely terrifying for me.

What happens when some little punk picks on her?  Or when a boy asks her for her phone number?  What about when the "mean girls" say crap about her?  What happens when she fights with her friends?  What happens when she has the time of her life throughout the next 12 years and realizes that mommy isn't the end all be all of her world?!  What happens then?

Yes I am having a little bit of a breakdown at the moment and over-reacting but this is what mommies do. Mommies have babies and hold onto them so tight, protect them with everything they have, give them all they are, and demand nothing but the best for them.  So it's hard to let even just a little go.

Now I realize it's only first grade but you have to realize it's my baby, and at some point you were someone's baby too, and I guarantee she felt the same way.  If you think this is bad you should have seen me putting her on the bus for the first time last year...I was a hot mess.  There is not a big enough tranquilizer on the planet to subdue me.

I'm sure sending her off to first grade will be just as hard as sending her off to Kindergarten as it will be sending my son off to pre-school.  They will grow to be amazing, happy, well-rounded individuals through all their adventures and experiences, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.