Today I made a phone call, one in which I was very nervous to make. I called another mother to tell her how her son was picking on my daughter and how I needed her help in making it stop. I had already emailed her and even though I thought my email was polite I was very nervous to call this woman whom I do not know and talk to her. I mean who wants to be told by a complete stranger that your child is not being nice to another child.
I was expecting the worst, a cat-fight for sure along with some swearing, definitely a few "F-bombs" but to my happy surprise a very sweet voice answered the phone when I called and we began a very productive conversation. Within a few seconds this woman on the other end was apologizing up and down for her little boy's behavior. She began to cry and tell me her story behind her little boy and how he too gets picked on for issues he has and how she has been on the same side I was describing to her so she completely understands and how grateful she was for me for not only telling her about what was going on but more importantly not yelling at her or attacking her son and being understanding of him.
As she sobbed to me she was telling me how she thought I was an excellent mother for bringing this to her attention and how she hoped I didn't think she was terrible for not having a better solution for this particular problem. I felt myself feeling so bad for this woman as she told me she has been through this so many times. I want this issue fixed but I also want to help this woman to help her child. I found myself asking her if she would like to get together to talk. It was a moment of mother to mother trying to do anything to help our children. I am actually looking so forward to meeting her. I am hoping that with this new found knowledge and uniting with one another we can help our children better understand each other and get along.
I felt absolutely amazing after our conversation and I think now knowing what I know maybe we can help each other and help our kids together. I don't want my daughter to get picked on, absolutely not, but I also don't want to see the little boy suffer either. I wish the world was different but since it isn't, maybe we can help one another out once we get past the barriers.
I learned a valuable lesson today. And I am so thankful I wrote that email and even more thankful I picked up that phone and she was willing to talk about it. There is some hope in this world :)
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Holiday Cheer
Well tomorrow is Thanksgiving and just like every other year everyone who celebrates is either running around crazy trying to prepare for the upcoming holiday's feast or planning their trip(s) to their selected stores to get this years deals on the biggest shopping day of the year, "black Friday". Perhaps others are traveling to loved ones houses in a different part of the state or country, and if so, I apologize right now because we all know how much fun airports, bus and train stations can be and of course rush hour on all major high ways the day before a holiday. So let's break this down a bit shall we?!
First: if you are preparing the meal: it is a royal pain in the ass but let me be the first to tell you, the people who are eating it are beyond appreciative of it or at least they should be. It is an insane amount of work and it's over in about 20 minutes and then the clean-up takes another hour and a half but those 20 minutes are pure bliss. For those preparing the meal, you are amazing and thank you for doing so. I did it last year and unless I absolutely HAVE to, I am so not doing it again anytime soon unless I move into a bigger house with a much bigger kitchen. For those eating the dinner you did not prepare: do the damn dishes!
Second: if you are planning to go black Friday shopping, do not be one of those people who beats the shit out of someone else over a $5.00 savings on an iPad because in a week it's going to be cheaper somewhere else. You want a $5.00 savings but if you get arrested now you're going to have to pay for a lawyer, court fees, spend some time in jail, etc. Now ask yourself is it really worth it? I think not. Don't be THAT person.
Third: if you are traveling for the holidays no matter by what mode; plane, train or automobile please be considerate of other people. There will be delays, there will be traffic and there will be that family with that screaming kid right next to your seat on the plane or train. There will be no need to say some nasty comment about them or about how the workers are so slow at getting your baggage from point A to point B, remember they are working on the holiday's too.
Above all let's remember that it is the holiday season and for whatever reason instead of being holly and jolly at some time or another we all turn a little grouchy. You may notice a slight sarcasm in this blog, it's there for a reason. I am hoping that this year we can all turn a little naughty into a little nice. Maybe if we see someone having a bad day or going through a rough patch we could lend a hand to help out. A little holiday cheer never hurts :)
Happy Thanksgiving to all :)
First: if you are preparing the meal: it is a royal pain in the ass but let me be the first to tell you, the people who are eating it are beyond appreciative of it or at least they should be. It is an insane amount of work and it's over in about 20 minutes and then the clean-up takes another hour and a half but those 20 minutes are pure bliss. For those preparing the meal, you are amazing and thank you for doing so. I did it last year and unless I absolutely HAVE to, I am so not doing it again anytime soon unless I move into a bigger house with a much bigger kitchen. For those eating the dinner you did not prepare: do the damn dishes!
Second: if you are planning to go black Friday shopping, do not be one of those people who beats the shit out of someone else over a $5.00 savings on an iPad because in a week it's going to be cheaper somewhere else. You want a $5.00 savings but if you get arrested now you're going to have to pay for a lawyer, court fees, spend some time in jail, etc. Now ask yourself is it really worth it? I think not. Don't be THAT person.
Third: if you are traveling for the holidays no matter by what mode; plane, train or automobile please be considerate of other people. There will be delays, there will be traffic and there will be that family with that screaming kid right next to your seat on the plane or train. There will be no need to say some nasty comment about them or about how the workers are so slow at getting your baggage from point A to point B, remember they are working on the holiday's too.
Above all let's remember that it is the holiday season and for whatever reason instead of being holly and jolly at some time or another we all turn a little grouchy. You may notice a slight sarcasm in this blog, it's there for a reason. I am hoping that this year we can all turn a little naughty into a little nice. Maybe if we see someone having a bad day or going through a rough patch we could lend a hand to help out. A little holiday cheer never hurts :)
Happy Thanksgiving to all :)
Monday, November 18, 2013
Behind Those Eyes
"Every time I see you I look deep into your eyes and it tells me everything I need to know. You can tell me everything you think I want to hear but your eyes say it all. They tell your whole story. You're sad, depressed and undoubtedly lost my dear friend.
Sometimes I wonder how long you're going to let this charade go on. When are you going to realize your self worth? You let yourself get walked on every single day. And every time you tell yourself "this is the last time I'm going to let this happen" you kick yourself because you said that the last time. Only you know why you stay. The way it used to be is no longer the way it is now. It's so hard to say good-bye but it hurts so much more to hold on to something that has let you go so long ago.
Its getting harder and harder to hide the hurt. You're friends are all starting to notice. You've alienated yourself from everyone. It's not like they don't want to be there for you, it's that you don't know how to let them be there at this point. So many have gone already and of the ones who are left, will they understand what you have to say?
Tough call to make on this one. Maybe it's time to let it all go. Let all the pain out and let all the hurt go. I'm tired of the way things are. I'm tired of looking into your eyes and seeing what I see. I'm tired of the fighting. I don't want to do it anymore. You don't have control over much, so why not take control of what you can and make it work?! It just may be time to make yourself happy.
Can you walk away? Can you reinvent yourself? Of course you can! You just have to put one foot in front of the other and take it one step at a time." I said to my reflection. "Maybe someday."
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Thankful
With Thanksgiving drawing near there are all sorts of things showing up on social media networks that are asking for lists on "what are you thankful for?" Some people get really into it and others seems to get really pissed that other people do it. I could care less either way, but that's just me. I enjoy reading what other people are thankful for. It's usually the same sort of things, family, friends, husbands, wives, parents, etc. Lately it's been more materialist but in a funny way; a comfy bed, a fluffy blanket on a cold fall night, things like that.
I usually don't participate in these lists so to speak but they do make me think. Lately things haven't been going so well for me from a health standpoint (surprise) but that is another story and certainly for another blog. Anyway, with this season of "Thanks" coming up I have given it some thought and with all the crap that's been going on here's what I have come up with.
In the tradition I am of course thankful for my family and friends. Without them I wouldn't get through the day. The fact that I can call upon my besties anytime I need them and know that they will be there even though we haven't talked in a while means the world to me. I hope they know I will always be there for them as well. I've always been very fortunate to have a lot of friends but a handful of truly BEST friends. They know who they are and to them, without you, I would be nothing and I love each and every one of you dearly.
My brother who has been the one stable man in my life since birth will always be my rock. Even though we may fight every now and again and even though we went through a tough time as kids we make it through everything because we have a relationship that is unlike any other. We know we can lean upon each other no matter what. My brother is the absolute best there is and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him and the same goes for me with him. When I went in for brain surgery I would not go until I saw him, I had to see his face and he had to tell me it would be ok for me to go in. He is without a question of a doubt the best there is, and I am thankful everyday to call him brother.
My parents as a couple everyone knows is not great but separately they bring their own unique talents. My father showed me how to stand up for myself so if you ever wonder where I get my attitude and perhaps my mouth, thank him. We butt heads a lot and perhaps that is why, but I am thankful that I have his hard-headedness.
My mother is the most wonderful woman on the planet. She gave up everything she ever had to raise my brother and I. She showed us how to make something from nothing. Even though she may have come from "the poor side of the tracks" as some may have called her, she made a wonderful life for us, and ANYONE who knows her knows how wonderful she is. We also butt heads a lot but I think it's because we are so much alike. I want to show my children as much love as she has shown me over the years. She is the best mother anyone could ever ask for. I hope I make her proud.
I am thankful that I am married to the most wonderful man who puts up my shit. I am very certain that no one else would. There are days that we drive each other absolutely crazy and some days I wonder how the hell we ever thought getting married was a good idea. But, I know in my heart he is the most wonderful man and we were made for each other. We are perfect for one another. We call each other out on our bullshit, we make each other laugh, we make each other cry, we get angry, we yell, we smile, and everything in between. I know that no matter what he will stand by me. Through sickness and in health which unfortunately I am not blessed with, and through all my issues he has stood by me. Never once has he looked away. Never once has he backed down. He has taken care of me, stepped up to the plate and told me we would get through it, and we have. He is my true love, my soul mate, my destiny. I love you Tom.
My children is what I am most thankful for. I always knew I wanted children but I never dreamed that they would be this wonderful. I know we have our days where we argue and they are fighting all day and I want to pull my hair out....but even those days I wouldn't trade for anything.
Looking into their eyes and seeing their sparkle, their innocence, their magic makes me realize how lucky I am. I may not have a fancy house, a lot of money, or a cushy job but I am the richest woman in the world because I have them. They are healthy and happy and that's all I can ask for. I pray that they don't have any of my health issues, that they live long, healthy, happy lives. I pray that I can watch them grow up, get married and have kids of their own. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to. I am thankful for the time I've already had with them, and hopeful for the time I will get with them in the future. I am hanging on to that hope and thanking God everyday for my time with them.
I am thankful for every minute with them. I am thankful that they are here with me now. I am thankful that they love to believe in Santa, the Tooth Fairy and all the make believe childhood offers because it goes by way too fast. Once it's gone, it's gone forever and I am thankful I can share it with them now.
My wishes for them are long and plentiful and I hope that one day they see that what I am doing for them now is all in connection to make all their dreams come true. I want everything for them, and I will do everything and anything in my power to make sure their lives are perfect for them. After I am gone I hope they will hold a piece of me with them in their hearts so they can always feel me with them.
I am thankful for all those who I can share my life with, especially my family and friends. I am thankful to those are reading this. You who read this make me happy to blog. So thank you, and Happy Thanksgiving :)
Friday, November 1, 2013
The bonds that bind
Dropping my kids off at school today was quite the experience. For some reason or another they both had breakdowns and cried. My daughter gave me the brave look and wiped away her tears and told me there was "nothing wrong" but the look on her face with the tears billowing in her eyes said it all. My son who couldn't wait to go to school all morning squeezed my leg like it was his job and told me "but I love you and I miss you mommy" as tears filled his big brown eyes when I told him I had to go.
It's moments like these that just breaks my heart into pieces. Now people tell me over and over again that it's harder on me and it'll be ok, it just takes time. And while I know they'll be fine there is just so much more to this situation than anyone knows. Every mother has their own unique bond with their children. Each one is special in it's own way.
For me and my children we have been through an awful lot in a short amount of time. Each time a new challenge came our way, we overcame it together and it was because of them that I am able to be here today.
With each one of them I was told that my survival rate was less than favorable. With Katie is was 50/50 and with Brian it was almost certain that one or both of us weren't going to make it out of that operating room. No one knows how we did but here we are. We defied the odds both times and were able to create an unspoken bond of love and gratitude.
So to see them so sad, even over something so little as dropping them off at school seems so ridiculous to everyone and I know how it sounds to the world. But to me it's heart-wrenching to know that this something they have to do on their own and I can go so far to make them feel better but there is a fine line I cannot cross. They have to grow up and be independent and this is where it starts. Letting go a little a time and showing them I know they can do it, and giving them confidence while supporting them and loving them is the best thing I can do for them. But it hurts me to know that the way to do that is letting go. And letting go thus far has made them cry in the beginning. It's scary for them. It's scary for me.
We'll all be just fine, and deep down I believe that we all know that, but it's hard to accept that this is where we're at already. I don't want to let go yet. It's not like their going off to college at this point, but it's not like time is going to stand still either. I want to enjoy the time we have. It goes by way too fast :(
It's moments like these that just breaks my heart into pieces. Now people tell me over and over again that it's harder on me and it'll be ok, it just takes time. And while I know they'll be fine there is just so much more to this situation than anyone knows. Every mother has their own unique bond with their children. Each one is special in it's own way.
For me and my children we have been through an awful lot in a short amount of time. Each time a new challenge came our way, we overcame it together and it was because of them that I am able to be here today.
With each one of them I was told that my survival rate was less than favorable. With Katie is was 50/50 and with Brian it was almost certain that one or both of us weren't going to make it out of that operating room. No one knows how we did but here we are. We defied the odds both times and were able to create an unspoken bond of love and gratitude.
So to see them so sad, even over something so little as dropping them off at school seems so ridiculous to everyone and I know how it sounds to the world. But to me it's heart-wrenching to know that this something they have to do on their own and I can go so far to make them feel better but there is a fine line I cannot cross. They have to grow up and be independent and this is where it starts. Letting go a little a time and showing them I know they can do it, and giving them confidence while supporting them and loving them is the best thing I can do for them. But it hurts me to know that the way to do that is letting go. And letting go thus far has made them cry in the beginning. It's scary for them. It's scary for me.
We'll all be just fine, and deep down I believe that we all know that, but it's hard to accept that this is where we're at already. I don't want to let go yet. It's not like their going off to college at this point, but it's not like time is going to stand still either. I want to enjoy the time we have. It goes by way too fast :(
Resigning
To Whom It May Concern:
Through the years I have written many letters to many people. Letters that range from business letters, client letters, to personal letters. Today I feel it is time to write my resignation letter, but not from a job. Today I am resigning from a relationship. A relationship that I should have walked away from years ago. Since it's obvious the relationship has been over for quite some time now, I feel it's only appropriate to put it down on (electronic) paper as to make it official. So here goes:
There are a million different reasons why I am the way that I am, and I am not in any way obligated to fill you in any of my story anymore. The bits and pieces of it that you are aware of I'm sure you can manage to put some of it together. The rest I'm sure you've put together some elaborate story of why I am the she-devil you believe I am. Trying to make you see any different is pointless and I have no interest in doing so.
I really couldn't care any less of what you think of me at this point. I am not going to apologize for any of what you think I did wrong, of who you think I am, or of any of my actions that you apparently disagree with. I am tired of being your excuse for your life.
Life is short as it is. I am not going to waste any of the time I have left on appeasing you. You are no longer a priority to me. I gave you chance after chance after chance. You continuously disappointed me. I don't need your brainwashed opinions of what you think the world should be. None of which I agree with and none of which I want to be around.
I leave this relationship with no interest in ever perusing another one with you again. Should our paths cross later in life please do not feel obligated to address me in the name of being polite. I no longer wish to know you. I no longer care for you. As of this moment I will never think of you again. I'm not going to say I'm sorry for having it come to this, you've done this to yourself.
Sincerely,
No One You Know
Through the years I have written many letters to many people. Letters that range from business letters, client letters, to personal letters. Today I feel it is time to write my resignation letter, but not from a job. Today I am resigning from a relationship. A relationship that I should have walked away from years ago. Since it's obvious the relationship has been over for quite some time now, I feel it's only appropriate to put it down on (electronic) paper as to make it official. So here goes:
There are a million different reasons why I am the way that I am, and I am not in any way obligated to fill you in any of my story anymore. The bits and pieces of it that you are aware of I'm sure you can manage to put some of it together. The rest I'm sure you've put together some elaborate story of why I am the she-devil you believe I am. Trying to make you see any different is pointless and I have no interest in doing so.
I really couldn't care any less of what you think of me at this point. I am not going to apologize for any of what you think I did wrong, of who you think I am, or of any of my actions that you apparently disagree with. I am tired of being your excuse for your life.
Life is short as it is. I am not going to waste any of the time I have left on appeasing you. You are no longer a priority to me. I gave you chance after chance after chance. You continuously disappointed me. I don't need your brainwashed opinions of what you think the world should be. None of which I agree with and none of which I want to be around.
I leave this relationship with no interest in ever perusing another one with you again. Should our paths cross later in life please do not feel obligated to address me in the name of being polite. I no longer wish to know you. I no longer care for you. As of this moment I will never think of you again. I'm not going to say I'm sorry for having it come to this, you've done this to yourself.
Sincerely,
No One You Know
Not a good day....
Today is not a good day, and even though I've come to know them well I'm not entirely sure I'll ever get used to them. I sit here with my little boy who longs to play with mommy the way we "used" to. Before mommy got her "boo-boo". He tells me how I used to be so much fun, I would play on the floor and run around the house and now I can't do that anymore. If I get on the floor it's not for very long and it takes me forever to get back up.
Am I incapacitated? No, and thankful for it as well. But days like today when my son asks me when someone else will be here so he can have someone fun to play with makes it hard to be thankful for much. I have a hard time looking forward to much on days like today, when I know my kids prefer to be around other people.
Forcing myself to get on the floor to play for a little while makes him smile, so I do. Deep down he knows it's not the same so he stops playing earlier than he normally would, my sweet little man. But why should my issues make my little boy have to stop his fun? This isn't his fault. He didn't ask for this.
At night when I lay down, my kids will ask me if tomorrow I will feel better so I can be the mommy I used to be. That is just heartbreaking. Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better for them if I opted out. It's terrible because I did these things FOR them. I wanted to be better FOR them. I did everything I did to be sure I was here, and in my best health FOR them. And somehow it all backfired.
When I look outside and see the sun shining and knowing that my kids want to go out to play but they don't ask until daddy or grandma come over it hurts to know that they already know I'm now inferior. I'm like an old feeble woman. And I see these people who are perfectly capable of doing things and instead they are just plain lazy and I just want to slap them. It's like come on, you are capable, go do it while you can! Other people would love to be able to do things that you can do, and you're not doing things as simple as going for a walk because you're lazy, no other reason, just lazy. Ugh, whatever.
This year I went to our State Fair and I look at all the rides that I will never be able to go on again, and had to sit down a hundred different times because I was so tired. I'm constantly popping my pain pills which put me into la la land just to get through the day and on days like today getting out of bed is a task all in itself. People say to me, it's only rides, it's only walking, it's just a pill. Well yeah, but now it's my life. And now, my kids have to deal with it, my husband, and frankly it's become more of a pain in the ass than anything else.
I hate looking outside knowing that there is so much to do and I can't be a part of it. Raking leaves and jumping in them, building snowmen, having a snowball fight, going for walks around the neighborhood, playing on the playground, going sledding just to name a few....all things I love to do with my family that I now have to watch them all do from the window.
Today is not good day. I wish I never did these surgeries. Everyone says, oh but look what good they did. Yeah look what they did....I loathe self-pity, and here I am. Today is not a good day.
Am I incapacitated? No, and thankful for it as well. But days like today when my son asks me when someone else will be here so he can have someone fun to play with makes it hard to be thankful for much. I have a hard time looking forward to much on days like today, when I know my kids prefer to be around other people.
Forcing myself to get on the floor to play for a little while makes him smile, so I do. Deep down he knows it's not the same so he stops playing earlier than he normally would, my sweet little man. But why should my issues make my little boy have to stop his fun? This isn't his fault. He didn't ask for this.
At night when I lay down, my kids will ask me if tomorrow I will feel better so I can be the mommy I used to be. That is just heartbreaking. Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better for them if I opted out. It's terrible because I did these things FOR them. I wanted to be better FOR them. I did everything I did to be sure I was here, and in my best health FOR them. And somehow it all backfired.
When I look outside and see the sun shining and knowing that my kids want to go out to play but they don't ask until daddy or grandma come over it hurts to know that they already know I'm now inferior. I'm like an old feeble woman. And I see these people who are perfectly capable of doing things and instead they are just plain lazy and I just want to slap them. It's like come on, you are capable, go do it while you can! Other people would love to be able to do things that you can do, and you're not doing things as simple as going for a walk because you're lazy, no other reason, just lazy. Ugh, whatever.
This year I went to our State Fair and I look at all the rides that I will never be able to go on again, and had to sit down a hundred different times because I was so tired. I'm constantly popping my pain pills which put me into la la land just to get through the day and on days like today getting out of bed is a task all in itself. People say to me, it's only rides, it's only walking, it's just a pill. Well yeah, but now it's my life. And now, my kids have to deal with it, my husband, and frankly it's become more of a pain in the ass than anything else.
I hate looking outside knowing that there is so much to do and I can't be a part of it. Raking leaves and jumping in them, building snowmen, having a snowball fight, going for walks around the neighborhood, playing on the playground, going sledding just to name a few....all things I love to do with my family that I now have to watch them all do from the window.
Today is not good day. I wish I never did these surgeries. Everyone says, oh but look what good they did. Yeah look what they did....I loathe self-pity, and here I am. Today is not a good day.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Kiss my a$$
You know there comes a point in everyone's life when you reach a breaking point. I've reached mine a time or six. Today as I was criticized yet again as I was being pulled in the eighty eighth direction it hit me that I have just had enough. I don't need this shit. It's obviously not enough that I am doing the absolute best that I can given the situations that I am in so since I clearly suck so bad at how I am handling them I am now formally handing over the reins. Yep this is me saying it's all you, thanks for being a jack wagon, and kick my ass.
For all those who think going off to your fancy pants job is tough and us stay at home moms is just a walk in the park, you can kiss my ass too. I've never busted my ass harder. I don't get paid, I don't get a sick day, hell I can't even pee without an audience. So next time you want to say to me "oh you don't have to work tomorrow, you get to stay home with your kids" expect me to slap you in the mouth.
For those who think you're better than me just because you have a job to go to and I don't, you can kiss my ass too. We all shit the same way sweetheart, and it stinks just the same....Don't think yours smells any sweeter. I'm not, not working because I'm lazy or don't want to. I'd LOVE to go to work. But I have medical issues that prevent me from doing so at the moment. None of which I need to explain to you.
For those who come over to my home and are offended because there are a few toys on my floor in the living room guess what you can kiss my ass too. I've already picked up the floor 27 times but the kids are just going to keep taking crap out until they go to bed, and why shouldn't they? It's their home. I know it's clean, they know it's clean, and when they go to bed, I'll pick it up for the 28th time, so if it bothers you, don't come over.
Finally, if you're reading this and you can't tell already that I'm pissed off, here's a clue, I'm freaking pissed off. It's obviously not enough that I take care of my children and my home, currently I'm helping my mom out who just had surgery which I'm happy to do, she's been there for me through all of my surgeries. But here's the kicker if you know I'm stressed out you might not want to come around running your mouth about stupid shit that is going to piss me off, because that just starts a chain reaction and then all hell breaks loose.
I'm tired of wearing 75 hats at the same time and getting the "didn't you get to that today?" question when my husband gets home. Or "why couldn't she get that done?" question from a family member. Here's your answer....kiss my ass. Everything else got done and everyone is healthy and happy, well almost everyone....
For all those who think going off to your fancy pants job is tough and us stay at home moms is just a walk in the park, you can kiss my ass too. I've never busted my ass harder. I don't get paid, I don't get a sick day, hell I can't even pee without an audience. So next time you want to say to me "oh you don't have to work tomorrow, you get to stay home with your kids" expect me to slap you in the mouth.
For those who think you're better than me just because you have a job to go to and I don't, you can kiss my ass too. We all shit the same way sweetheart, and it stinks just the same....Don't think yours smells any sweeter. I'm not, not working because I'm lazy or don't want to. I'd LOVE to go to work. But I have medical issues that prevent me from doing so at the moment. None of which I need to explain to you.
For those who come over to my home and are offended because there are a few toys on my floor in the living room guess what you can kiss my ass too. I've already picked up the floor 27 times but the kids are just going to keep taking crap out until they go to bed, and why shouldn't they? It's their home. I know it's clean, they know it's clean, and when they go to bed, I'll pick it up for the 28th time, so if it bothers you, don't come over.
Finally, if you're reading this and you can't tell already that I'm pissed off, here's a clue, I'm freaking pissed off. It's obviously not enough that I take care of my children and my home, currently I'm helping my mom out who just had surgery which I'm happy to do, she's been there for me through all of my surgeries. But here's the kicker if you know I'm stressed out you might not want to come around running your mouth about stupid shit that is going to piss me off, because that just starts a chain reaction and then all hell breaks loose.
I'm tired of wearing 75 hats at the same time and getting the "didn't you get to that today?" question when my husband gets home. Or "why couldn't she get that done?" question from a family member. Here's your answer....kiss my ass. Everything else got done and everyone is healthy and happy, well almost everyone....
END RANT
Thursday, October 10, 2013
This is not me....
I sit here filling out this paper work, this packet, this novel of paper work attempting to prove to some stranger who I don't know all the turmoil I've been through this past year and how for the first time I have to admit that I need help. This is not me....
I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I am stronger than this. I am not this person who wants to sit around all day long wondering when I am going to feel good enough to get up and go. Some days are better than others and I can get up off the chair and do things, others it's just not going to happen. This is not me....
I have to prove to someone, someone I don't know that I am actually broken. Broken enough that I can't handle taking care of myself enough to get up and go to work. So now I'm lazy, ignorant, irresponsible. This is not me....
These questions are repulsive, who can help me prove that I am disabled? Really? No I am not disabled, men and women who fight for their country and lost limbs, vital organs, their lives and have nothing for their loved ones left behind, they deserve this money I don't. The hero's who run into burning buildings or risk their lives rescuing people from raging waters or stunts gone wrong knowing full well that the people they love dearly may wake up tomorrow without them here, they deserve the help. This is not me....
To have people look at me, make comments to me, "you look just fine", "you're so young", "this is how you want to live forever?" No. This is not me....
I want to take care of my children and right now asking for help is the only thing I can do. It's humiliating to ask the government to look at me as a disabled person because on the outside, no I don't "look the part." On the inside, I'm dying. I can't jump out of bed, get ready and go. I have to prep myself to lift my body out of bed. I have to get up the strength to get down on the floor to play with my kids. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know what it's like to have your child look at you and ask you to play and then apologize to you because they know you can't but they just want you to play "like you used to". Do you know what it's like to look at them and wish "this is not me?!"
It's heartbreaking to look at yourself in the mirror and think you are worth more dead than you are alive. It's horrifying to know that at a ripe age when everyone else around you gets to experience all the fun things you were supposed to do you have to turn to someone else and ask them to do it...with YOUR CHILDREN. And when you see their beautiful happy faces having the time of their lives you know it's NOT WITH YOU.
So do me a solid on this one, stop looking down on people when they ask for help. It's hard enough to prove to myself that I can't do it alone, let alone to a perfect stranger. I have a goal to not be labeled disabled and there is nothing wrong with being disabled, by no means am I saying that. I want to go back to work and be the mom I was before all this shit happened. I want to go back to playing horsey with my kids and running around outside with them. I HATE having to apply for disability because I am taking it away from someone else who did something to at least be proud of who they are and not be ashamed. I am ashamed, because this is not me.
It's not about being proud, it's not about being weak, it's not about asking for help. I've always been that girl who I swore would teach my children that I would be here for them no matter what. What good am I now? I can't even have the fun they need me to have with them. I can't prove to be the mom they deserve. And that is not me....
I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I am stronger than this. I am not this person who wants to sit around all day long wondering when I am going to feel good enough to get up and go. Some days are better than others and I can get up off the chair and do things, others it's just not going to happen. This is not me....
I have to prove to someone, someone I don't know that I am actually broken. Broken enough that I can't handle taking care of myself enough to get up and go to work. So now I'm lazy, ignorant, irresponsible. This is not me....
These questions are repulsive, who can help me prove that I am disabled? Really? No I am not disabled, men and women who fight for their country and lost limbs, vital organs, their lives and have nothing for their loved ones left behind, they deserve this money I don't. The hero's who run into burning buildings or risk their lives rescuing people from raging waters or stunts gone wrong knowing full well that the people they love dearly may wake up tomorrow without them here, they deserve the help. This is not me....
To have people look at me, make comments to me, "you look just fine", "you're so young", "this is how you want to live forever?" No. This is not me....
I want to take care of my children and right now asking for help is the only thing I can do. It's humiliating to ask the government to look at me as a disabled person because on the outside, no I don't "look the part." On the inside, I'm dying. I can't jump out of bed, get ready and go. I have to prep myself to lift my body out of bed. I have to get up the strength to get down on the floor to play with my kids. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know what it's like to have your child look at you and ask you to play and then apologize to you because they know you can't but they just want you to play "like you used to". Do you know what it's like to look at them and wish "this is not me?!"
It's heartbreaking to look at yourself in the mirror and think you are worth more dead than you are alive. It's horrifying to know that at a ripe age when everyone else around you gets to experience all the fun things you were supposed to do you have to turn to someone else and ask them to do it...with YOUR CHILDREN. And when you see their beautiful happy faces having the time of their lives you know it's NOT WITH YOU.
So do me a solid on this one, stop looking down on people when they ask for help. It's hard enough to prove to myself that I can't do it alone, let alone to a perfect stranger. I have a goal to not be labeled disabled and there is nothing wrong with being disabled, by no means am I saying that. I want to go back to work and be the mom I was before all this shit happened. I want to go back to playing horsey with my kids and running around outside with them. I HATE having to apply for disability because I am taking it away from someone else who did something to at least be proud of who they are and not be ashamed. I am ashamed, because this is not me.
It's not about being proud, it's not about being weak, it's not about asking for help. I've always been that girl who I swore would teach my children that I would be here for them no matter what. What good am I now? I can't even have the fun they need me to have with them. I can't prove to be the mom they deserve. And that is not me....
Small town bull**t
A lot of good memories are in this country girl's mind when I think back to the good old days. It's nice to take a walk down memory lane sometimes when I'm sitting around my mom's place and watching the sky, or walking around the field. I think back to the days before responsibility, when the biggest decision was figuring out who's house to hang out at on the weekend.
Tonight on the way home I got caught up in a flashback to the parties in the woods, and the bonfires, all the good times (which usually led to some bad decisions), peeling out down the back roads, all the things I loved about the country.
I was so many different people growing up. I always tried to "fit it" with the crowd that I happened to be with in the moment. I got along with most people but I had a handful of good friends and a boatload of acquaintances that I just chilled with.
I was a band geek, a cheerleader, a partier, a nice girl, a bitch, and everything in between. I was always felt like I needed to be somewhere in the middle, never at the head of the group but never at the back. I didn't want the attention, but I didn't want to be left out. Of course who the hell knows what persona I actually put out there.
Most people didn't know what I really did at night or on the weekends. As with most small towns it didn't matter what REALLY happened it only mattered as to what the rumor mill was turning out and there was no point fighting that....it turns no matter what.
The hard part about being from a small country town besides having nothing to do if there were no parties on the weekends was trying to find that middle ground where you could be friends with all your friends and not leave anyone out or feel bad about being yourself.
It's something to this day I have apparently not mastered. I miss those days where I could just sit next to some friends around a bonfire and shoot the shit and there be no bullshit. I don't understand how we have grown up and yet there is still all this small town bullshit.
Why can't friends just be friends? Why are there always these petty little games? I always had more guy friends than girl friends (enter the rumor mill here) because I just don't do petty shit.
As soon as I could I left the small town I grew up in to get away from all the bs and yet it has found me once again. So how do I escape it? Does it ever go away? Doubt it.
Going back home I try as hard as I can not to drive through what I call the smallest town in the land. Sometimes I feel like I had to escape. I needed to spread my wings and reinvent myself. I do miss some of the old me though and when I go home even though it's not far away I feel like I can get some of that part me back.
I think about spending my days with the best people I could ever have hoped to meet, and some of the worst. I think about sneaking out at night to meet up with some friends and hang out. I remember being so bored and waiting to get the hell out of there and then blinking and it was over.
Small town life has it's ups and downs. Looking back I would do a lot of things differently. I'm not sad I left and I'm very happy with where I am now. I wish some of the bullshit didn't follow me or catch up with me but that's everywhere you go. I have some great people in my life and even better I have the memories of the adventures we had. Sometimes in life the memories are just going to have to be enough.
Tonight on the way home I got caught up in a flashback to the parties in the woods, and the bonfires, all the good times (which usually led to some bad decisions), peeling out down the back roads, all the things I loved about the country.
I was so many different people growing up. I always tried to "fit it" with the crowd that I happened to be with in the moment. I got along with most people but I had a handful of good friends and a boatload of acquaintances that I just chilled with.
I was a band geek, a cheerleader, a partier, a nice girl, a bitch, and everything in between. I was always felt like I needed to be somewhere in the middle, never at the head of the group but never at the back. I didn't want the attention, but I didn't want to be left out. Of course who the hell knows what persona I actually put out there.
Most people didn't know what I really did at night or on the weekends. As with most small towns it didn't matter what REALLY happened it only mattered as to what the rumor mill was turning out and there was no point fighting that....it turns no matter what.
The hard part about being from a small country town besides having nothing to do if there were no parties on the weekends was trying to find that middle ground where you could be friends with all your friends and not leave anyone out or feel bad about being yourself.
It's something to this day I have apparently not mastered. I miss those days where I could just sit next to some friends around a bonfire and shoot the shit and there be no bullshit. I don't understand how we have grown up and yet there is still all this small town bullshit.
Why can't friends just be friends? Why are there always these petty little games? I always had more guy friends than girl friends (enter the rumor mill here) because I just don't do petty shit.
As soon as I could I left the small town I grew up in to get away from all the bs and yet it has found me once again. So how do I escape it? Does it ever go away? Doubt it.
Going back home I try as hard as I can not to drive through what I call the smallest town in the land. Sometimes I feel like I had to escape. I needed to spread my wings and reinvent myself. I do miss some of the old me though and when I go home even though it's not far away I feel like I can get some of that part me back.
I think about spending my days with the best people I could ever have hoped to meet, and some of the worst. I think about sneaking out at night to meet up with some friends and hang out. I remember being so bored and waiting to get the hell out of there and then blinking and it was over.
Small town life has it's ups and downs. Looking back I would do a lot of things differently. I'm not sad I left and I'm very happy with where I am now. I wish some of the bullshit didn't follow me or catch up with me but that's everywhere you go. I have some great people in my life and even better I have the memories of the adventures we had. Sometimes in life the memories are just going to have to be enough.
The story behind the photo....
So many people see this photo and think this is just an ordinary photo of a woman holding her newborn baby, she is obviously tired and while you are looking at the photo you may assume the feelings behind the tiredness are that of overwhelming joy and gratitude. While these feelings were there what you wouldn't think of is that this woman and her new baby are also having what would be one of their many harshest bonding moments together. This beautiful little boy if left in-utero for only one more day would not have survived and this woman nearly didn't make it through the delivery and post delivery of this most precious baby. So in this moment this mommy and her baby are not only getting to know one another but are also preparing for what could be their only moments together. How do I know? This woman is me, and that precious little boy is my son Brian.
While this little bundle of joy was in the midst of being born (via c-section) and I was laying on the operating table I remember the nurses telling me he was a miracle baby. I thought "what the hell is she talking about, the baby is fine, I am the one in trouble here. For Christ sake you just asked my mother which one of us she wanted you to save." (which went over really well with her by the way.) I looked up at my husband and he looked at me and said "Don't worry he's ok". Apparently the cord was wrapped around his neck and it only had 2 vessels which explained why his heart rate decelerated the night before. But once I heard him crying then I started to cry, I knew he was good so I could relax a little, they brought him around to see me and oh my was he tiny, 5lbs 15oz. He was so small, but he was healthy and that's all that mattered.
All the sudden things went south and fast, I heard "her blood pressure is rising, it's time to close". I thought "no shit, I want off this damn table anyway." The Dr. was telling me that I needed to calm down and take deep breaths. Take deep breaths? He could see my damn diaphragm...I was breathing deep, I couldn't feel a damn thing so I was doing my best.
They told Tom to take the baby and go wait in recovery, and with that a nurse escorted them out. I remember thinking that may very well be the last time I ever see them. I started to cry once again. I just closed my eyes and an incredibly sweet nurse came to my side and held my hand and stroked my forehead and told me it would be ok. I heard the Dr. say to the nurse "we have to hurry or she'll stroke out on the table." "Great". I thought. "Just fantastic".
Somehow I made it out of the operating room. I've never been so happy to get to recovery. I saw Tom and Brian and I just lost it.I couldn't wait to hold my baby. I took him in my arms and that's what you see above. The Dr. said "It's going to be a waiting game now. You need to be monitored and watched CAREFULLY. Anything can happen."
The next few days Brian and I spent a lot of time together. I never put him down unless I had to. We talked a lot. I told him all about all the things I wanted for him. I told him how happy I was that he was a part of my life and even if I wasn't able to be around for him physically, I would always be there for him in his heart. I was so scared he would never know me. I was terrified I wouldn't make it and I would leave my daughter and now my newborn son behind.
I am not an overly religious person but I prayed a lot over the next few weeks, and I know a lot of other people did too. I begged for the chance to stay and raise my children, no matter what battles I would have to face, I would do whatever I needed to so I could be a part of my children's lives.
I cried a lot, I had to leave my kids at home with family and believe me, I fought kicking and screaming so much so my OBGYN actually told me "I wish you were at 6 weeks post op so you weren't my patient anymore, you scare the hell out of me." Thanks. That means a lot.
To this day no one has an answer for what the hell happened to me during or after I gave birth with either of my kids but especially after I had Brian. I was given a less than 20% chance to make it through the delivery and it went down from there day by day but here I am today, writing this.
And today is my son's 4th Birthday :) Happy Birthday baby boy <3
And he and I can say we both survived quite and ordeal the day he was born and from that day forward. But I would do it all over again for both of my kids. I just love them so much.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Idle Chitchat; major impact
Yesterday afternoon my son and I had a "date". We went to Target and of course he "hurt" himself and so the only thing that would make him feel better was a new toy. So seeing that it's his birthday next week I gave in and got him a Ninja Turtle toy and made our way around the store. He and I laughed all the way around the store. He is usually the kid who yells in the store, but yesterday he was really good. We checked out all the Halloween decorations and made our way to the checkout. Even the cashier commented on how well behaved he was and gave him a sticker.
When we got to the car I asked if he wanted to go to McDonald's and have some lunch with me. Of course that was a definite YES! We went inside to eat which made him so excited because the Nintendo games were inside.
When we got inside there was quite the line so we made our way to the end of it and patiently waited our turn. Brian was clinging to my leg, and telling me he loved me which caught the attention of the gentleman in front of me. He kept smiling at us and saying how cute it was and how well behaved Brian was. I politely said "Thank You" and we went about our waiting. We made idle chitchat to pass the time and of course Brian was the center of attention.
Brian caught the eyes of a sweet little girl who was standing behind us who was about the same age and they were doing the little kid flirt thing which I thought was adorable. And the gentleman in front of us saw a girl across the restaurant who was wearing nothing but fishnet stockings and a long shirt. I looked at Brian and said "If you ever bring home a girl like that I will beat you." And he laughed and said "I'm gonna!" Which of course made the gentleman in front of us laugh again.
As the line moved we made our way up to order and then proceeded to wait again for our food to be made (or microwaved). The gentleman in front of us turned to me and said "They grow up so fast, that's why I keep smiling at you and your boy, this age is so sweet, enjoy it." I replied "I love it." He pulled out his phone and showed me a photo of a very handsome boy in his cap and gown at his high school graduation. He said "This is my oldest." "He's very handsome." I said He replied "He would've been 21....." My heart sank. He continued "He was killed in a car accident on October 30th." I told him how sorry I was for his loss as he put his phone away. He thanked me and smiled. I didn't know what else to say, I wasn't expecting that.
He was so upbeat and playful with Brian and I and even picking on the girl with the fishnet stockings....I guess it just never dawned on me that something so tragic could've happened to this man. I stood there staring at him wishing there was something I do for him, and yet at the same moment I saw the strength in this man that he is still going on with his life, I'm sure it's the hardest thing in the world, but he's doing it.
We both got our food and went to our tables and I sat with Brian and played but I was so heartbroken for that man, who was sitting 3 tables away, all alone and missing his son. I wanted to go over and say something to him, but I didn't know him and I didn't know what to say. I just felt so bad for him.
He finished before we did. He got up told us to have a nice lunch, and we smiled and said thank you and wished him the same and off he went. Brian and I finished our lunch and we left and headed home. I called my mom and told her what happened. There was a reason I met that man, maybe he put everything into perspective for me. Maybe watching Brian made him happy if only for a moment. I don't know what the reason, but he definitely made an impact and I really hope that he and his family are doing ok. I can't imagine losing a child. I know I couldn't handle it. I would just crumble to pieces. I give that man and his family all the credit in the world for going on with their lives. God bless them.
When we got to the car I asked if he wanted to go to McDonald's and have some lunch with me. Of course that was a definite YES! We went inside to eat which made him so excited because the Nintendo games were inside.
When we got inside there was quite the line so we made our way to the end of it and patiently waited our turn. Brian was clinging to my leg, and telling me he loved me which caught the attention of the gentleman in front of me. He kept smiling at us and saying how cute it was and how well behaved Brian was. I politely said "Thank You" and we went about our waiting. We made idle chitchat to pass the time and of course Brian was the center of attention.
Brian caught the eyes of a sweet little girl who was standing behind us who was about the same age and they were doing the little kid flirt thing which I thought was adorable. And the gentleman in front of us saw a girl across the restaurant who was wearing nothing but fishnet stockings and a long shirt. I looked at Brian and said "If you ever bring home a girl like that I will beat you." And he laughed and said "I'm gonna!" Which of course made the gentleman in front of us laugh again.
As the line moved we made our way up to order and then proceeded to wait again for our food to be made (or microwaved). The gentleman in front of us turned to me and said "They grow up so fast, that's why I keep smiling at you and your boy, this age is so sweet, enjoy it." I replied "I love it." He pulled out his phone and showed me a photo of a very handsome boy in his cap and gown at his high school graduation. He said "This is my oldest." "He's very handsome." I said He replied "He would've been 21....." My heart sank. He continued "He was killed in a car accident on October 30th." I told him how sorry I was for his loss as he put his phone away. He thanked me and smiled. I didn't know what else to say, I wasn't expecting that.
He was so upbeat and playful with Brian and I and even picking on the girl with the fishnet stockings....I guess it just never dawned on me that something so tragic could've happened to this man. I stood there staring at him wishing there was something I do for him, and yet at the same moment I saw the strength in this man that he is still going on with his life, I'm sure it's the hardest thing in the world, but he's doing it.
We both got our food and went to our tables and I sat with Brian and played but I was so heartbroken for that man, who was sitting 3 tables away, all alone and missing his son. I wanted to go over and say something to him, but I didn't know him and I didn't know what to say. I just felt so bad for him.
He finished before we did. He got up told us to have a nice lunch, and we smiled and said thank you and wished him the same and off he went. Brian and I finished our lunch and we left and headed home. I called my mom and told her what happened. There was a reason I met that man, maybe he put everything into perspective for me. Maybe watching Brian made him happy if only for a moment. I don't know what the reason, but he definitely made an impact and I really hope that he and his family are doing ok. I can't imagine losing a child. I know I couldn't handle it. I would just crumble to pieces. I give that man and his family all the credit in the world for going on with their lives. God bless them.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
She cries
My child is being bullied in school already, at the young age of 6 and this is what I wrote about it:
She cries when she gets home from school because of what they said
She tells me that the words hurt her heart and buries her face in her bed
She looks up at me with her tear-filled eyes and begs me not to make her go to school tomorrow
The pain shines through her eyes; all the hurt; all the sorrow
I tell her it will be better and hold her for a while
I tell her funny stories about my childhood and try to make her smile
Her brother comes in and gives her a hug and tells her how he loves her
Even the dog comes in and jumps on her and begs her to pet his fur
She calms down enough to go and play and I go and make a call
I call to tell the teacher how much she's hurting and this is not acceptable at all!
She agrees completely and we devise a plan to make it all alright
We hang up, I sob a while and then go about my night
We go about our night's routine, dinner, bath, book, and bed
I tell my kids what wonderful things await them in the coming day ahead
They finally drift off to sleep and I lay there wide awake
Wondering if tomorrow I can send her to school or if it will be a huge mistake
The next morning we all get up and get ready for the day
She turns to me as we head out the door and begins to say
"Mommy please don't make me go to school today" as tears run down her cheeks
"I don't want those boys to call me names and say mean things when my eyes begin to leak"
I break down and tell her that today will be a better day
She looks at me and replies "you said that yesterday!"
I pick her up and hold her tight and promise her the best
"It won't be good, it will be bad, just like all the rest!"
It kills me that she has to go through this hell each and every day
I wish I could go and hold her hand and take it all away
I am doing my best and but it seems like no matter what I try
I feel like I am completely failing my baby when she cries
Parents, please teach your children about bullying....my child is being bullied right now and she is 6 years old and no child deserves it. I can't stand watching her cry every day and every night over these boys her pick on her over ridiculous things. They target my daughter because she is quiet, shy, reserved and doesn't do confrontation unless of course it's with her brother. I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS. I WILL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR MY CHILDREN. As parents, we need to teach them NOT to bully others. If you were a bully or if you were bullied, you should talk to your children about your experiences. No child should ever feel bad about being who they are. We should want better for our children. I know I do. I'm tired of watching my child cry. I will not stand for it. Neither should you....
She cries when she gets home from school because of what they said
She tells me that the words hurt her heart and buries her face in her bed
She looks up at me with her tear-filled eyes and begs me not to make her go to school tomorrow
The pain shines through her eyes; all the hurt; all the sorrow
I tell her it will be better and hold her for a while
I tell her funny stories about my childhood and try to make her smile
Her brother comes in and gives her a hug and tells her how he loves her
Even the dog comes in and jumps on her and begs her to pet his fur
She calms down enough to go and play and I go and make a call
I call to tell the teacher how much she's hurting and this is not acceptable at all!
She agrees completely and we devise a plan to make it all alright
We hang up, I sob a while and then go about my night
We go about our night's routine, dinner, bath, book, and bed
I tell my kids what wonderful things await them in the coming day ahead
They finally drift off to sleep and I lay there wide awake
Wondering if tomorrow I can send her to school or if it will be a huge mistake
The next morning we all get up and get ready for the day
She turns to me as we head out the door and begins to say
"Mommy please don't make me go to school today" as tears run down her cheeks
"I don't want those boys to call me names and say mean things when my eyes begin to leak"
I break down and tell her that today will be a better day
She looks at me and replies "you said that yesterday!"
I pick her up and hold her tight and promise her the best
"It won't be good, it will be bad, just like all the rest!"
It kills me that she has to go through this hell each and every day
I wish I could go and hold her hand and take it all away
I am doing my best and but it seems like no matter what I try
I feel like I am completely failing my baby when she cries
Parents, please teach your children about bullying....my child is being bullied right now and she is 6 years old and no child deserves it. I can't stand watching her cry every day and every night over these boys her pick on her over ridiculous things. They target my daughter because she is quiet, shy, reserved and doesn't do confrontation unless of course it's with her brother. I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS. I WILL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR MY CHILDREN. As parents, we need to teach them NOT to bully others. If you were a bully or if you were bullied, you should talk to your children about your experiences. No child should ever feel bad about being who they are. We should want better for our children. I know I do. I'm tired of watching my child cry. I will not stand for it. Neither should you....
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Lift Me Up
"Lift Me Up"
(feat. Rob Halford)
By Five Finger Death Punch
Thanks to Andrew Stewart for adding these lyrics.
Thanks to Taylor, Dustin, Travis Smith, Aubree Running Hawk for correcting these lyrics.
This song struck me today because I was arguing with my husband when I left to go to the grocery store and when I was coming back this came on the radio. I listened to it and realized that the lyrics were absolutely perfect for me.
Throughout this life so far I have been kicked and beaten more times than I would care to remember. I am so sick of it and I always turn to him for comfort. When we argue I really hate it because I'm always waiting for that one time when we just call it quits. We don't argue anywhere near the amount we used to and I think that's because I've been so close to dying more times than we'd like to admit.
Every time I pull through we become closer because we realize how much we mean to each other. You never know if today is going to be your last day so when you're faced with that possibility you want to tell that person you were supposed to share your entire life with just how much you love them. There is something truly remarkable that happens when you're laying next to someone's hospital bed holding their hand after the Dr. comes in and tells you that there is definitely hope but the odds are stacked against you.
(feat. Rob Halford)
By Five Finger Death Punch
It ain't no mystery
I'm all I have left
I'm pushing back and running you over
I've been thrown down run around
Beaten 'til I hit the ground
Telling you right now that it's over
There's no room for mistakes
All the cards are in place
Say what you will but say it to my face
Better back the fuck up
Better shut the fuck up
I'll do what I want and I'll never give up
I won't be broken
I won't be tortured
I won't be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around
Lift me up above this
The flames and the ashes
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up above this
The broken the empty
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up
I'm gonna change history
Enlighten the world
Teach them how to see through my eyes
I'm gonna lash back check that
Fatal as a heart attack
Stomp out all the ugliest lies
You can't convince me to change
We ain't on the same page
I've had my fill now there's nothing but rage
Best get out of my way
'Cause there's nothing to say
Is that all that you got?
Because I ain't got all day
I won't be broken
I won't be tortured
I won't be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around
Lift me up above this
The flames and the ashes
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up above this
The broken the empty
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up
I won't be broken
I won't be tortured
I won't be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around
Lift me up above this
The flames and the ashes
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up above this
The broken the empty
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up to fly away
Lift me up to fly away
Lift me up
I'm all I have left
I'm pushing back and running you over
I've been thrown down run around
Beaten 'til I hit the ground
Telling you right now that it's over
There's no room for mistakes
All the cards are in place
Say what you will but say it to my face
Better back the fuck up
Better shut the fuck up
I'll do what I want and I'll never give up
I won't be broken
I won't be tortured
I won't be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around
Lift me up above this
The flames and the ashes
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up above this
The broken the empty
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up
I'm gonna change history
Enlighten the world
Teach them how to see through my eyes
I'm gonna lash back check that
Fatal as a heart attack
Stomp out all the ugliest lies
You can't convince me to change
We ain't on the same page
I've had my fill now there's nothing but rage
Best get out of my way
'Cause there's nothing to say
Is that all that you got?
Because I ain't got all day
I won't be broken
I won't be tortured
I won't be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around
Lift me up above this
The flames and the ashes
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up above this
The broken the empty
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up
I won't be broken
I won't be tortured
I won't be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around
Lift me up above this
The flames and the ashes
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up above this
The broken the empty
Lift me up and help me to fly away
Lift me up to fly away
Lift me up to fly away
Lift me up
Thanks to Andrew Stewart for adding these lyrics.
Thanks to Taylor, Dustin, Travis Smith, Aubree Running Hawk for correcting these lyrics.
This song struck me today because I was arguing with my husband when I left to go to the grocery store and when I was coming back this came on the radio. I listened to it and realized that the lyrics were absolutely perfect for me.
Throughout this life so far I have been kicked and beaten more times than I would care to remember. I am so sick of it and I always turn to him for comfort. When we argue I really hate it because I'm always waiting for that one time when we just call it quits. We don't argue anywhere near the amount we used to and I think that's because I've been so close to dying more times than we'd like to admit.
Every time I pull through we become closer because we realize how much we mean to each other. You never know if today is going to be your last day so when you're faced with that possibility you want to tell that person you were supposed to share your entire life with just how much you love them. There is something truly remarkable that happens when you're laying next to someone's hospital bed holding their hand after the Dr. comes in and tells you that there is definitely hope but the odds are stacked against you.
He is the one who lifts me up when I get told some bad news by a Dr. or when we are faced with a new challenge gives me hope that everything will be ok. He gives me the strength and encouragement to take on every new challenge and take it head on and kick the shit out of it. Without him I'm absolutely certain I would be 6 feet under by now.
However my personality is very strong and sometimes I am just sick of the bullshit. I say it like it is and that's that. Everyone who knows me knows that. I am tired of fighting a losing battle on certain things and sometimes I feel like if I don't fight for myself no one else is going to. There is only so much one person can take. When I'm having a moment, leave me be.
I can bend and bend and sometimes I break. I don't need Ms. Suzy Sunshine to some blow some happy go lucky bullshit up my ass either. I think we have established that I am who I am and if anything going through all these hurdles have made me stronger so chances are I'm not going to change that part of me anytime soon.
I love my husband very much and I owe him more than I can ever repay. I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired. But I am never going to give up. I need a little room for understanding and perhaps both sides could give a little on that one. I guess we'll take it like everything else, one day at a time.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Hero's
For those who do not know, I come from a family of first responders. My brother a professional firefighter (as well as a volunteer), my father a volunteer firefighter, uncles, cousins all firefighters and some policemen. I have some other cousins and an uncle who served in the armed forced (I don't want to leave them out). They all do different things in their lives and different things within eat job but they have one thing in common; They are all Hero's.
If you ask them they will tell you they are no such thing, they are simply doing what they love. For them it's second nature, they don't give it a second thought. I don't know how they do it. Take my brother. He has a wife and 2 adorable children at home. Everyday he puts his life on the line for strangers. When everyone else is running out of a burning building, he runs in. He puts his own life in danger to save the life of a complete stranger. He doesn't think twice about it, he just does it. Same thing with life-threatening situations like car accidents, search and rescue situations, you name it, he's going after someone to save their life. He is a hero.
I used to go down to the fire house where he volunteered and when that bell rang he just jumped into action, no thought, no doubt, just up and went. It always amazed me. I always wondered how these first responders did it. I would be scared out of my mind. I know I couldn't do it, I think I would just freeze up. He's been doing this since we were kids.
My dad used to take us down to the firehouse when we were little and we would hang out with the firemen and play on the firetrucks and pretend we were going on calls and such. Of course me being the younger one it always intimidated me, but not my brother, it was always his passion. He is AMAZING at it too.
On the 12th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the first responders and men and women in the armed forces who have protected all of us and been our hero's day in and day out. You don't get nearly the credit you deserve especially for the amount of danger you put yourselves in on a daily basis. You're bravery has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. You are our hero's and the backbone of our country. May God bless each and everyone of you and keep you safe every day. To my brother especially, I love you and want you to know that you have always been my hero since we were little and always will be.
If you ask them they will tell you they are no such thing, they are simply doing what they love. For them it's second nature, they don't give it a second thought. I don't know how they do it. Take my brother. He has a wife and 2 adorable children at home. Everyday he puts his life on the line for strangers. When everyone else is running out of a burning building, he runs in. He puts his own life in danger to save the life of a complete stranger. He doesn't think twice about it, he just does it. Same thing with life-threatening situations like car accidents, search and rescue situations, you name it, he's going after someone to save their life. He is a hero.
I used to go down to the fire house where he volunteered and when that bell rang he just jumped into action, no thought, no doubt, just up and went. It always amazed me. I always wondered how these first responders did it. I would be scared out of my mind. I know I couldn't do it, I think I would just freeze up. He's been doing this since we were kids.
My dad used to take us down to the firehouse when we were little and we would hang out with the firemen and play on the firetrucks and pretend we were going on calls and such. Of course me being the younger one it always intimidated me, but not my brother, it was always his passion. He is AMAZING at it too.
On the 12th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the first responders and men and women in the armed forces who have protected all of us and been our hero's day in and day out. You don't get nearly the credit you deserve especially for the amount of danger you put yourselves in on a daily basis. You're bravery has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. You are our hero's and the backbone of our country. May God bless each and everyone of you and keep you safe every day. To my brother especially, I love you and want you to know that you have always been my hero since we were little and always will be.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Mommies feel
When my kids are doing something they shouldn't or fighting uncontrollably sometimes I want to tear my hair out as every parent does. When we are in the grocery store and they are having a meltdown because I bought the Goldfish in the orange bag instead of the orange and white bag I want to leave the cart where it is, take the kids and get the hell out of the store. When we are on hour 4 of a Songebob marathon I want to put my shoe through the TV just to make the obnoxious sound go away. When we are laying in bed for hours and I am reiterating over and over; and over and over again "go to bed it's late" I want to turn over and put ear plugs in and pretend they actually listened and are asleep.
When my kids fall and scrape a knee or elbow and only mommy can make it better with a band-aid and a kiss it makes me feel important. When I drop them off at school and I get the "I'm putting on my brave face for you but deep down I'm on the edge of tears" look, I want to run over, pick them up, hold them and never let go. When they accomplish something for the first time and they realize they can do things by themselves, I feel proud.
When my kids hug me for no reason, kiss me goodnight, tell me how much they love me, ask if we can be together forever, play games with me, snuggle with me, cuddle with me, hold my hand, sleep next to me, or are just with me, I feel joy, love, and absolutely complete.
Mother's go through every emotion there is and then some. It's difficult to put into words but sometimes just looking at my kids it's overwhelming to know how much I love them and need them. Before I was a mom my world was so different and looking back it was insignificant and incomplete. I was put on this earth to be a mom. I may not be good at a lot of things, and even though it sounds conceded I know I am a good mom. It's a constant roller coaster full of worry, love, compassion, joy, and everything in between and mommies feel every emotion along the way. I am truly blessed to have such amazing children.
When my kids fall and scrape a knee or elbow and only mommy can make it better with a band-aid and a kiss it makes me feel important. When I drop them off at school and I get the "I'm putting on my brave face for you but deep down I'm on the edge of tears" look, I want to run over, pick them up, hold them and never let go. When they accomplish something for the first time and they realize they can do things by themselves, I feel proud.
When my kids hug me for no reason, kiss me goodnight, tell me how much they love me, ask if we can be together forever, play games with me, snuggle with me, cuddle with me, hold my hand, sleep next to me, or are just with me, I feel joy, love, and absolutely complete.
Mother's go through every emotion there is and then some. It's difficult to put into words but sometimes just looking at my kids it's overwhelming to know how much I love them and need them. Before I was a mom my world was so different and looking back it was insignificant and incomplete. I was put on this earth to be a mom. I may not be good at a lot of things, and even though it sounds conceded I know I am a good mom. It's a constant roller coaster full of worry, love, compassion, joy, and everything in between and mommies feel every emotion along the way. I am truly blessed to have such amazing children.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Inspirations
Tonight I was online with my fellow "Chiarians" and I was reading some of their stories and I have to say some of these people are truly amazing. We've all had some really craptastical things happen in our lives and each and every one of them changes who we are as people. Some people think that other people's situations are worse than ones they may have gone through but it doesn't make what they have gone through or what they may be going through any less important (stole that line from my bestie and she's right by the way).
A lot of my friends often ask me how I make it through the shit I have gone through and the shit I am going through with the attitude I have. It's not something I can explain. It's just something we all have to do. This is the hand I was dealt, and now I have to run with it. It's not like I can hide from it.
A few people have told me I have inspired them, which absolutely made my day but shocked me too because I am not the person who usually inspires people. I'm the loud mouth in the back of the room telling everyone else to shut up or the reason everyone in the group got in trouble cause it was all "my idea"...you see where I'm going.
If I can help someone do something good, that is awesome and I'm so happy to do so, but it's not something I thought I was doing by sharing my experiences. I have come to realize though since joining this online support group for other people who have the same ailment I do, they have inspired me to not only help other's whenever possible but also that by sharing all the positives and negatives it really does help others. Just letting someone else know they are not alone is worth so much to someone who is suffering on the inside.
There is one story in particular that has really struck a cord with me and this poor woman has gone through so much and her recovery has been just awful. She has had CSF leak, after leak, after leak which is not a good thing. Her dr. has had to go back into her incision 3 times and so obviously this poor woman has gone through a lot. But she has the most upbeat attitude about life. Her symptoms are still there, her surgeries are terrible and the recovery sucks but she is funny, down to earth and just a joy to talk to. I'm sure she has her down in the dumps moments but she doesn't show them in the group. She is just happy to be here and be as close to her "normal" as possible. That is inspiring.
It's people like her and stories like that, that make everything else seem so trivial. I think that's why it's easier to look at other situations in life and just walk away. If it isn't THAT important I'm not wasting my time. I want to enjoy my time. I want to enjoy my children and my husband. I want them to know that even though times can get hard, there are always silver linings, and brighter days. If we're still breathing, it's a good day.
Maybe to some this may be cheesy but I really don't care. When you're faced with the idea that you may not be around very long you take any chance you can to make your imprint. I know I'm making mine. I want to inspire my kids to be the very best they can be and to inspire others to do the same. I want the world to know that if you are suffering from anything, don't hide it because just by talking about it you could inspire someone else.
The stories I have read with these "Chiarians" are truly amazing. Some are good and some not so much. Some are very sad and some are oddly familiar. But they all have one thing in common, they all are inspiring.
A lot of my friends often ask me how I make it through the shit I have gone through and the shit I am going through with the attitude I have. It's not something I can explain. It's just something we all have to do. This is the hand I was dealt, and now I have to run with it. It's not like I can hide from it.
A few people have told me I have inspired them, which absolutely made my day but shocked me too because I am not the person who usually inspires people. I'm the loud mouth in the back of the room telling everyone else to shut up or the reason everyone in the group got in trouble cause it was all "my idea"...you see where I'm going.
If I can help someone do something good, that is awesome and I'm so happy to do so, but it's not something I thought I was doing by sharing my experiences. I have come to realize though since joining this online support group for other people who have the same ailment I do, they have inspired me to not only help other's whenever possible but also that by sharing all the positives and negatives it really does help others. Just letting someone else know they are not alone is worth so much to someone who is suffering on the inside.
There is one story in particular that has really struck a cord with me and this poor woman has gone through so much and her recovery has been just awful. She has had CSF leak, after leak, after leak which is not a good thing. Her dr. has had to go back into her incision 3 times and so obviously this poor woman has gone through a lot. But she has the most upbeat attitude about life. Her symptoms are still there, her surgeries are terrible and the recovery sucks but she is funny, down to earth and just a joy to talk to. I'm sure she has her down in the dumps moments but she doesn't show them in the group. She is just happy to be here and be as close to her "normal" as possible. That is inspiring.
It's people like her and stories like that, that make everything else seem so trivial. I think that's why it's easier to look at other situations in life and just walk away. If it isn't THAT important I'm not wasting my time. I want to enjoy my time. I want to enjoy my children and my husband. I want them to know that even though times can get hard, there are always silver linings, and brighter days. If we're still breathing, it's a good day.
Maybe to some this may be cheesy but I really don't care. When you're faced with the idea that you may not be around very long you take any chance you can to make your imprint. I know I'm making mine. I want to inspire my kids to be the very best they can be and to inspire others to do the same. I want the world to know that if you are suffering from anything, don't hide it because just by talking about it you could inspire someone else.
The stories I have read with these "Chiarians" are truly amazing. Some are good and some not so much. Some are very sad and some are oddly familiar. But they all have one thing in common, they all are inspiring.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Letting go
Taking my daughter into school today to meet her teachers was a bit surreal. Walking the halls of an elementary school, my daughter in one hand a stack full of supplies in the other. Down the first grade hall we went and we found her classroom and in we walked. She looked so unsure yet steady. She gave me that "I can do it mom" look and for a moment I thought "you can, but can I?"
It's funny we groom our children to be strong and independent but are we ever really ready to let them go? I know I'm not. This is silly to some, I mean it's only first grade. But she is my first born, my oldest. And my youngest is off to pre-school this year and I no longer have babies to snuggle with at home. I know how fast time goes.
I know they are still little and I still have some time to enjoy this cuddley-wuddley time where they actually still like their parents, but I also know it goes fast. I know that for a bulk of the day at least my daughter is on her own. She is making new friends, making her imprint on other people, and opening her wings up to the world. She is starting to see how school really works, how kids really behave and little by little how the "real world" operates and it is absolutely terrifying for me.
What happens when some little punk picks on her? Or when a boy asks her for her phone number? What about when the "mean girls" say crap about her? What happens when she fights with her friends? What happens when she has the time of her life throughout the next 12 years and realizes that mommy isn't the end all be all of her world?! What happens then?
Yes I am having a little bit of a breakdown at the moment and over-reacting but this is what mommies do. Mommies have babies and hold onto them so tight, protect them with everything they have, give them all they are, and demand nothing but the best for them. So it's hard to let even just a little go.
Now I realize it's only first grade but you have to realize it's my baby, and at some point you were someone's baby too, and I guarantee she felt the same way. If you think this is bad you should have seen me putting her on the bus for the first time last year...I was a hot mess. There is not a big enough tranquilizer on the planet to subdue me.
I'm sure sending her off to first grade will be just as hard as sending her off to Kindergarten as it will be sending my son off to pre-school. They will grow to be amazing, happy, well-rounded individuals through all their adventures and experiences, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
It's funny we groom our children to be strong and independent but are we ever really ready to let them go? I know I'm not. This is silly to some, I mean it's only first grade. But she is my first born, my oldest. And my youngest is off to pre-school this year and I no longer have babies to snuggle with at home. I know how fast time goes.
I know they are still little and I still have some time to enjoy this cuddley-wuddley time where they actually still like their parents, but I also know it goes fast. I know that for a bulk of the day at least my daughter is on her own. She is making new friends, making her imprint on other people, and opening her wings up to the world. She is starting to see how school really works, how kids really behave and little by little how the "real world" operates and it is absolutely terrifying for me.
What happens when some little punk picks on her? Or when a boy asks her for her phone number? What about when the "mean girls" say crap about her? What happens when she fights with her friends? What happens when she has the time of her life throughout the next 12 years and realizes that mommy isn't the end all be all of her world?! What happens then?
Yes I am having a little bit of a breakdown at the moment and over-reacting but this is what mommies do. Mommies have babies and hold onto them so tight, protect them with everything they have, give them all they are, and demand nothing but the best for them. So it's hard to let even just a little go.
Now I realize it's only first grade but you have to realize it's my baby, and at some point you were someone's baby too, and I guarantee she felt the same way. If you think this is bad you should have seen me putting her on the bus for the first time last year...I was a hot mess. There is not a big enough tranquilizer on the planet to subdue me.
I'm sure sending her off to first grade will be just as hard as sending her off to Kindergarten as it will be sending my son off to pre-school. They will grow to be amazing, happy, well-rounded individuals through all their adventures and experiences, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Life lessons, taught and learned....
Sorry peeps but I just have to sound off tonight....
I am slightly irritated and overwhelmingly hurt by certain people in this world who seem to think that just because things didn't work out the way we thought you just think you have the right to walk all over me and say anything you damn well please about me. Let me tell you a little story there sweetheart.
Once upon a time there was a girl who lived her whole life just as everyone else does, one day at a time. Taking every new day as it comes and every good news with joy and enthusiasm and every bit of bad news with as much positivity as possible. Then one day something happened to her, she got more bad news than she could handle and she just lost it. She broke. She sunk down to the very bottom of her existence and wasted precious time loathing in self pity.
Not many knew how bad off she really was but those who did, did everything they could to pick her up. Finally she came around and realized things could always be worse. She was still breathing (against all odds) and there was room for improvement so instead of wasting away she was going to stand up and fight for her life back and get back to actually living it.
It took a long time but she did it. She held onto the shoulders of her closest family and friends who were there for her through the toughest times in her life to date and she eventually found the strength to stand on her own to feet. She got back into the swing of life and actually started enjoying life again.
With each day she got a little more enthusiastic about life and while she had bad days there was always something positive she tried to think about. Unfortunately bad luck came her way over and over again so she did get knocked down a few more times but she fought back every time with the help of her family and friends.
There are somethings left inside her that are forever changed and altered that will never be the same. Sometimes she finds herself being bitter about them but she tries not to bring anyone else down about it. Quite often she turns to humor to mask it.
Oddly enough what she thought she had in some people she found to be fake or at the very least not as meaningful through these processes. Once upon a time someone once told her "there is a reason every single person passes through our lives, every person teaches us a lesson." I am still trying to figure out the lesson that I am being taught, that I have taught others or that I am teaching right now. The person who said those words to me has no idea the impact she had on me. I wish things were different with that whole situation too but I can't change what happened in the past, this is the hand I was dealt and what's done is done.
I don't like when people look at me and say one thing then turn around and whisper the opposite. And I really hate when people look at me and make sly comments about my situation because you don't live my life. Unless you have lived in my body you don't know my pain so maybe you should just shut your damn mouth.
I'm not a person to say one thing when I feel another, I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel and I'm not one to judge anybody especially by their disabilities or inabilities. So maybe next time give me the same courtesy I give you and be upfront about your feelings. I don't care if you don't like me. You also don't know me or what I've been through. I don't need you to pity me, I don't need you to play the game either.
Life lessons are both taught and learned by everyone. If you are unwilling to open your mind even a little bit then you aren't going to lead a very lonely and empty life.
I am slightly irritated and overwhelmingly hurt by certain people in this world who seem to think that just because things didn't work out the way we thought you just think you have the right to walk all over me and say anything you damn well please about me. Let me tell you a little story there sweetheart.
Once upon a time there was a girl who lived her whole life just as everyone else does, one day at a time. Taking every new day as it comes and every good news with joy and enthusiasm and every bit of bad news with as much positivity as possible. Then one day something happened to her, she got more bad news than she could handle and she just lost it. She broke. She sunk down to the very bottom of her existence and wasted precious time loathing in self pity.
Not many knew how bad off she really was but those who did, did everything they could to pick her up. Finally she came around and realized things could always be worse. She was still breathing (against all odds) and there was room for improvement so instead of wasting away she was going to stand up and fight for her life back and get back to actually living it.
It took a long time but she did it. She held onto the shoulders of her closest family and friends who were there for her through the toughest times in her life to date and she eventually found the strength to stand on her own to feet. She got back into the swing of life and actually started enjoying life again.
With each day she got a little more enthusiastic about life and while she had bad days there was always something positive she tried to think about. Unfortunately bad luck came her way over and over again so she did get knocked down a few more times but she fought back every time with the help of her family and friends.
There are somethings left inside her that are forever changed and altered that will never be the same. Sometimes she finds herself being bitter about them but she tries not to bring anyone else down about it. Quite often she turns to humor to mask it.
Oddly enough what she thought she had in some people she found to be fake or at the very least not as meaningful through these processes. Once upon a time someone once told her "there is a reason every single person passes through our lives, every person teaches us a lesson." I am still trying to figure out the lesson that I am being taught, that I have taught others or that I am teaching right now. The person who said those words to me has no idea the impact she had on me. I wish things were different with that whole situation too but I can't change what happened in the past, this is the hand I was dealt and what's done is done.
I don't like when people look at me and say one thing then turn around and whisper the opposite. And I really hate when people look at me and make sly comments about my situation because you don't live my life. Unless you have lived in my body you don't know my pain so maybe you should just shut your damn mouth.
I'm not a person to say one thing when I feel another, I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel and I'm not one to judge anybody especially by their disabilities or inabilities. So maybe next time give me the same courtesy I give you and be upfront about your feelings. I don't care if you don't like me. You also don't know me or what I've been through. I don't need you to pity me, I don't need you to play the game either.
Life lessons are both taught and learned by everyone. If you are unwilling to open your mind even a little bit then you aren't going to lead a very lonely and empty life.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Drifting Apart
The last few days I have been talking to my daughter about friendship and what it means to be a friend, having friend, how it works when you make new ones and what happens to the old ones when you make new ones. School is starting back up soon and of course her class will be filled with some kids she already knows; "old friends" and some kids she'll be meeting for the first time; "new friends". These conversations have for some reason hit a difficult spot for me lately and it's hard to keep the conversation light and airy, fun and fresh when it carries such a heavy burden on myself.
You know everyone goes through the process of making friends, and losing some. Having those few close ones that stick with you for life and those others that come and go faster than you change your underwear. Some have made some lasting impressions on our lives and others have made some deep scars. As a parent you can't let those feelings show. You have to just let life happen and tell your children all about being a good friend and how being friends with everyone is the best thing and knowing that somewhere along the way your child is going to be hurt by another child and your child will probably hurt another child all in the name of friendship. It's all a part of life. It's a part of growing up.
I told my daughter how I moved away from all my friends when I was young and changed schools and how hard it was to say good-bye. How I cried and cried and for so long secretly wished it never happened. I always had a special place for the friends I left behind. Of course I made some pretty amazing friends at the school I moved to and I am so lucky to have a few life-long friends because of it.
Growing up people change, we come into our own and we grow apart from the people we call our friends at the time. It's not always a bad thing, sometimes we part without really saying good-bye we just drift, no hard feelings, no tearful farewell. Other times it's like an episode of Jerry Springer and the whole damn world is involved. You never really know.
Then of course there are the people who you know are always there and can call on when something is wrong. When the phone rings and it's their number you don't have to say anything, you just grab your keys and jump in the car and go and you talk on the way. It could be years in between phone calls, but when something happens, you come together.
Then there are the lifers. The ones who are there through thick and thin. You don't have many of these. They are far and few between. You don't need to talk often, but once you do it's like no time has gone by at all. They are your besties, an extension of yourself, they know you probably better than you know yourself. They are rare and precious.
There are the ones you call your friends but never see or talk to but you like them and think of them as friends so that's just what they are. There are lots of "labels" for lots of different people but the ones in particular that have been on my mind lately are the drifters. The ones that sort of just went away. Not really sure why, just did.
I know at some point we both changed and I know that it happens throughout school and what not but I guess I never really thought it would happen throughout my entire life. So as I sit here and try to tell my daughter all about the wonderful things she is going to do at school and all the wonderful friends she is going to have I began to miss mine. I thought about a few of them and then some more and then I just got sad. I didn't realize how many had drifted away the last few years and I just didn't notice. Life happens I suppose and it's expected, but I didn't stop to take a look around. I'm a person who needs closure so in my own weird way I guess this is my farewell and even though we let go who knows how long ago, I can feel better about it now.
I was talking to my husband about some of them and realized I remember way back when one way but I'm sure they remember it completely different. I see my past one way but others are looking from the outside. I guess it's a good lesson. I mean take high school - I remember that one way but I'm sure someone somewhere has said once upon a time "hey remember that girl who everyone called ___ ____".... Everyone was called something bad probably more than one...I know I was and if you think you weren't you're naive.
In any case I told my daughter she doesn't need to be anything more than exactly who she is because she is perfect just the way she is. And I told her how important it is to be friends with everyone because no one likes to be left out. I know someone will leave her out sometime along the way and it will hurt her and I'll want to punch the little shit but I can't because he/she is just a kid. Someday she'll probably leave someone out and it'll hurt that kid and I don't want that either but I know it'll happen and it's something that seems so small in the bigger scheme of things but kids can be so cruel and it can last a lifetime. Adults can be cruel and that stings just as bad.
It's obvious this blog jumps around a bit but the point I'm trying to make here is please teach your kids to be kind to everyone and I do mean everyone. Time itself will weed out friendships, they don't need to be into cliques and certain social clubs to start out. Drifting apart is hard enough without starting out with boundaries. It's a lot easier to teach our kids to be accepting of everyone in the beginning then to try to unteach hatred down the road.
You know everyone goes through the process of making friends, and losing some. Having those few close ones that stick with you for life and those others that come and go faster than you change your underwear. Some have made some lasting impressions on our lives and others have made some deep scars. As a parent you can't let those feelings show. You have to just let life happen and tell your children all about being a good friend and how being friends with everyone is the best thing and knowing that somewhere along the way your child is going to be hurt by another child and your child will probably hurt another child all in the name of friendship. It's all a part of life. It's a part of growing up.
I told my daughter how I moved away from all my friends when I was young and changed schools and how hard it was to say good-bye. How I cried and cried and for so long secretly wished it never happened. I always had a special place for the friends I left behind. Of course I made some pretty amazing friends at the school I moved to and I am so lucky to have a few life-long friends because of it.
Growing up people change, we come into our own and we grow apart from the people we call our friends at the time. It's not always a bad thing, sometimes we part without really saying good-bye we just drift, no hard feelings, no tearful farewell. Other times it's like an episode of Jerry Springer and the whole damn world is involved. You never really know.
Then of course there are the people who you know are always there and can call on when something is wrong. When the phone rings and it's their number you don't have to say anything, you just grab your keys and jump in the car and go and you talk on the way. It could be years in between phone calls, but when something happens, you come together.
Then there are the lifers. The ones who are there through thick and thin. You don't have many of these. They are far and few between. You don't need to talk often, but once you do it's like no time has gone by at all. They are your besties, an extension of yourself, they know you probably better than you know yourself. They are rare and precious.
There are the ones you call your friends but never see or talk to but you like them and think of them as friends so that's just what they are. There are lots of "labels" for lots of different people but the ones in particular that have been on my mind lately are the drifters. The ones that sort of just went away. Not really sure why, just did.
I know at some point we both changed and I know that it happens throughout school and what not but I guess I never really thought it would happen throughout my entire life. So as I sit here and try to tell my daughter all about the wonderful things she is going to do at school and all the wonderful friends she is going to have I began to miss mine. I thought about a few of them and then some more and then I just got sad. I didn't realize how many had drifted away the last few years and I just didn't notice. Life happens I suppose and it's expected, but I didn't stop to take a look around. I'm a person who needs closure so in my own weird way I guess this is my farewell and even though we let go who knows how long ago, I can feel better about it now.
I was talking to my husband about some of them and realized I remember way back when one way but I'm sure they remember it completely different. I see my past one way but others are looking from the outside. I guess it's a good lesson. I mean take high school - I remember that one way but I'm sure someone somewhere has said once upon a time "hey remember that girl who everyone called ___ ____".... Everyone was called something bad probably more than one...I know I was and if you think you weren't you're naive.
In any case I told my daughter she doesn't need to be anything more than exactly who she is because she is perfect just the way she is. And I told her how important it is to be friends with everyone because no one likes to be left out. I know someone will leave her out sometime along the way and it will hurt her and I'll want to punch the little shit but I can't because he/she is just a kid. Someday she'll probably leave someone out and it'll hurt that kid and I don't want that either but I know it'll happen and it's something that seems so small in the bigger scheme of things but kids can be so cruel and it can last a lifetime. Adults can be cruel and that stings just as bad.
It's obvious this blog jumps around a bit but the point I'm trying to make here is please teach your kids to be kind to everyone and I do mean everyone. Time itself will weed out friendships, they don't need to be into cliques and certain social clubs to start out. Drifting apart is hard enough without starting out with boundaries. It's a lot easier to teach our kids to be accepting of everyone in the beginning then to try to unteach hatred down the road.
Friday, August 16, 2013
And that's so me....
A small glimpse into me: I go to physical therapy twice week because I had major back surgery a few months ago. In order to get to my PT office I have to walk through a gym which is a place I am not the most comfortable going. Don't get me wrong I am all for people getting physically fit and being active, I just am one of those people who if I was to step foot on a treadmill would have the luck that it would probably short circuit and fry my ass. I had a gym membership for about 7 years and I went for the first 2 of the 7 and within those years I could probably count on one hand the number of times I actually worked out. It's a little pathetic I know.
So today as I was waiting to be called in I was watching the people lift weights and it caught my eye that one guy was making a really strange face. Trying not to be too obvious I looked in his general direction in the mirror so I could watch his face without looking directly at him. It didn't take me long to realize that this poor bastard had to sneeze but apparently he was in the middle of a set and didn't want to stop in fear of losing count I suppose.
The faces he was making was quite hysterical because he looked like he was either constipated or he just shit himself and was looking for anyone else to pin it on. But like all good things it had to come to an end. This poor guy just couldn't hold it in any longer and with epic force this sneeze came out and snot went flying all over the mirrors and the dumbbells flew through the air with massive force. They hit the ground (luckily not the mirrors) and it made such a sound I couldn't help but laugh. I quickly snuck back into the reception room so he wouldn't see me laughing because I didn't want to embarrass the poor guy but it was one of those things that if I didn't have a strong bladder I would have seriously needed some new britches.
This is one of those moments where I am thankful that I do not go to a gym because you know some poor bastard is going to slip on that massive goober and fall flat on his ass and probably bust a hip and do you know where he'll end up next?! Right next to my ass in PT and I'll just look at him with pity and offer up some hand and ass sanitizer cause that's so me....
This is one of those moments where I am thankful that I do not go to a gym because you know some poor bastard is going to slip on that massive goober and fall flat on his ass and probably bust a hip and do you know where he'll end up next?! Right next to my ass in PT and I'll just look at him with pity and offer up some hand and ass sanitizer cause that's so me....
Why? No really, why?
Sometimes I sit down at this computer and I just think about things. Sometimes my thoughts are deep and meaningful; thoughts about life, my kids, my marriage, how I'm going to make it through the next day dealing with all this pain I'm in. Other times I'm thinking about the most idiotic shit that comes in my head; why is my fish so loud? I'm hungry, should I pee now or do I wait?, I'm tired, I'm hungry, Do I repeat myself? It's never a dull moment in my head....
Tonight just happens to be one of those nights where I am asking a non-rhetorical but seemingly unanswerable question....why is it that women can have babies, go through unbelievable amounts of pain with surgeries, labor, feminine issues, honey you name it, we get it, and men who while I'm not saying they don't get SOME problems but no where NEAR the pain women go through and yet they get a cold, or a paper cut and sweet Jesus the world is coming to an end!
I don't get it. Seriously now boys I am not saying you all don't get sick and achy and while I fully understand how bad it sucks to feel like a pile of crap smashed on the bottom of someones shoes but for the love of all that is Holy grow a pair would ya?
Let's take a look here...a mom gets sick, she still cleans the house, cooks dinner, takes care of the kids, make sure the household bills are paid, gets the groceries, gets the kids to their sports games on time, makes sure the children are bathed, homework done and dishes are done before she sits down for 5 minutes to let that Motrin she took 12 hours ago set in. A man get the sniffles and suddenly he needs a couch with a bottle of ginger ale, seventeen blankets, fourteen pillows, the remote control and a box of tissues all within reach and if it's not suddenly his stuffy nose is clear enough for him to call out your name a dozen times so you can walk from down the stairs with two baskets of laundry in your hands and a kid on each hip just so you could move that remote an inch closer to him and by God is he lucky you don't beat him to death with it.
Let's say that same mom comes home 3 days after giving birth, doesn't matter which way, either she squeezed that lovable bundle out of her who-ha that sweet little 7lb 2oz baby just felt like a watermelon squeezing through a kiwi good luck eating fruit later....OR she has a nice incision cut along the pubic bone and is either glued, stitched or stapled shut and any little tug, sneeze or stretch is going to pull the shit out of those bitches... not to mention to rigorous pain she just went through to get that baby out...
Anyway so you all just get home and it's time to feed the baby, maybe dad takes a turn it's a cute and giggly, but oh damn it poops! Uh oh - right to mommy never mind the fact that she cannot sit or pee without it feeling like her world is on FIRE but yes let her do it. Let her give the baby a bath too - sure she'd LOVE to bend over that damn tub or sink too BRING IT ON!
And boys don't get your panties in a bunch, all of you don't do this, some of you are very nurturing and helpful and take excellent care of your wives/girlfriends and new babies. My point is that when it comes to pain you are all a bunch of bitches. Women can take it all and you can't take a paper cut without calling for thirty six band-aids and some kisses from your mommy and I just don't get why. I mean seriously.
Growing up I always saw men as this strong and buff figure of strength and as I get older I just see men being a bunch of wusses. My hubby cuts his fingers open gets one little shot and is in bed for two days...come on dude where are your balls?! His reply - "I took care of you when you got hurt" My rebuttal "I had 2 c-sections, BRAIN surgery and BACK surgery within 6 months! Find your balls!" Just saying...
Again not all men...but a lot of ya. So why, no really why?
Tonight just happens to be one of those nights where I am asking a non-rhetorical but seemingly unanswerable question....why is it that women can have babies, go through unbelievable amounts of pain with surgeries, labor, feminine issues, honey you name it, we get it, and men who while I'm not saying they don't get SOME problems but no where NEAR the pain women go through and yet they get a cold, or a paper cut and sweet Jesus the world is coming to an end!
I don't get it. Seriously now boys I am not saying you all don't get sick and achy and while I fully understand how bad it sucks to feel like a pile of crap smashed on the bottom of someones shoes but for the love of all that is Holy grow a pair would ya?
Let's take a look here...a mom gets sick, she still cleans the house, cooks dinner, takes care of the kids, make sure the household bills are paid, gets the groceries, gets the kids to their sports games on time, makes sure the children are bathed, homework done and dishes are done before she sits down for 5 minutes to let that Motrin she took 12 hours ago set in. A man get the sniffles and suddenly he needs a couch with a bottle of ginger ale, seventeen blankets, fourteen pillows, the remote control and a box of tissues all within reach and if it's not suddenly his stuffy nose is clear enough for him to call out your name a dozen times so you can walk from down the stairs with two baskets of laundry in your hands and a kid on each hip just so you could move that remote an inch closer to him and by God is he lucky you don't beat him to death with it.
Let's say that same mom comes home 3 days after giving birth, doesn't matter which way, either she squeezed that lovable bundle out of her who-ha that sweet little 7lb 2oz baby just felt like a watermelon squeezing through a kiwi good luck eating fruit later....OR she has a nice incision cut along the pubic bone and is either glued, stitched or stapled shut and any little tug, sneeze or stretch is going to pull the shit out of those bitches... not to mention to rigorous pain she just went through to get that baby out...
Anyway so you all just get home and it's time to feed the baby, maybe dad takes a turn it's a cute and giggly, but oh damn it poops! Uh oh - right to mommy never mind the fact that she cannot sit or pee without it feeling like her world is on FIRE but yes let her do it. Let her give the baby a bath too - sure she'd LOVE to bend over that damn tub or sink too BRING IT ON!
And boys don't get your panties in a bunch, all of you don't do this, some of you are very nurturing and helpful and take excellent care of your wives/girlfriends and new babies. My point is that when it comes to pain you are all a bunch of bitches. Women can take it all and you can't take a paper cut without calling for thirty six band-aids and some kisses from your mommy and I just don't get why. I mean seriously.
Growing up I always saw men as this strong and buff figure of strength and as I get older I just see men being a bunch of wusses. My hubby cuts his fingers open gets one little shot and is in bed for two days...come on dude where are your balls?! His reply - "I took care of you when you got hurt" My rebuttal "I had 2 c-sections, BRAIN surgery and BACK surgery within 6 months! Find your balls!" Just saying...
Again not all men...but a lot of ya. So why, no really why?
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Snuggling in marriage....the differences
When you fall in love and you're snuggling with your other half you are all wrapped up in the moment. It's morning time, both the man and woman are snuggled close happy and in love. Her head is on his chest, the little chest hairs tickling her face. He is twiddling her hair in his fingers ever so softly. He kisses her head and she leans up to kiss his lips.
The fact that it's morning and they are waking up in each other's arms is the most important part of the moment. They are happy, in love and fulfilled just by knowing that. It doesn't matter what the rest of the day is going to bring, as long as they are going to be together, all is going to be right.
That folks is the movie version...the dating version...the pre-marriage version. Let's skip ahead to post marriage, post honeymoon, post having kids...
In morning. A man and a woman are laying in bed. The sound of Spongebob is blaring from down the hall. The woman smacks her husband and says "it's your turn". The husband turns over and affectionately rubs his wife's back and comments "how about a little morning somethin' somethin'?" She responds with a "Are you kidding me?! The kids are up, I haven't showered, back the hell up because your chest hairs are itching the shit out of my back and for the love of GOD go brush your teeth!" The man rolls over and says "is it ALWAYS that time of the month?!"
Thus a normal Saturday begins in a married couples household. Not every married couple's household but a vast majority. This is why so many married couples take a vacation every so often. It doesn't mean they don't love each other, it just means that "fairy tale, movie" type lovey dovey heart shaped harlequin romance phase said good-bye.
You have to keep it interesting people.
Friday, August 9, 2013
The B*tch Switch
Folks tonight you are in for a real treat: I am going to give you all a HUGE gift. There is a certain rule when dealing with women. Now don't get all "you're a traitor to your gender" on me. I can say these things because I am a woman, and I do in fact have what is affectionately called the "bitch switch".
For those who are unlucky enough to have flipped it on in the past you will know exactly what I'm talking about. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, buckle up and read on. For those who finally get what it is I'm talking about by the end of this, you're welcome and knock your shit off. Here goes:
Why is it that whenever you are in a good mood, full of playful delight someone can say one thing, just one thing and it can totally change your entire mood for the rest of the day and just make you IRATE? Seriously I try really hard not to let that happen but sometimes there is that one button that when it is pushed I just fall off the deep end and it's like look the hell out or I will step all over you.
My brother used to call it the "bitch switch". Ironically that used to piss me off even more. It just seems so odd to me that all day long little things can come and go and get on our nerves, irritate us, make us angry but we let them go. Think of how many mood changes we go through in a single day. Well I do at least. But there always seems to be that one nerve that once it's touched there is just no turning back.
Now a follow up question is why do people intentionally hit this nerve once they know how to do so? What sort of sick pleasure are they going to get out of this? Lets examine this:
Let's say you knowing just flipped this so called "bitch switch" which by the way is irreversible by all human measures and to boot, you know this, yet you did it anyway what is going to happen? (this does not apply to children by the way - only husbands, boyfriends, members of the opposite sex in general, friends, well I guess anyone except children)
1. I am going to yell, no, no I am going to scream at you
2. Once I am done yelling, I am going to walk away, possibly while making a one-fingered gesture
3. Once I walk away, I am going to ignore you
4. Don't try to talk to me until the horns retreat back into my skull, my tail retreats back into my ass and my pitchfork is stored safely in the closet.
See I am giving all you people out there a BIG gift right now...once that bitch switch is turned on, the devil is on the loose and if you're the one who flipped it, you better run like hell and hide until it gets turned off. There is no need to ever flip that switch - so a word to the wise....LEAVE IT ALONE!
There are certain things that will automatically flip this: tell a woman she is gaining weight, ask her why would she wear THAT, point out her acne, ask her if she is on the rag or if she is P.M.S(ing), ask her "what did you do all day?", etc. Not smart...just use common sense. When it comes to friends: dating a friends' ex boyfriend, make besties with her worst enemy...instant bitch switch flip!
I'm not going to say I'm proud of any of this, nor am I trying to be a "traitor" but lets just stop with this nonsense. People this is common sense. You just don't piss people off on purpose, unless of course you are really trying to get yourself bitch slapped. And with that I hope I leave you all with a little bit of bitch switch smarts. Just my two-cents as always.
For those who are unlucky enough to have flipped it on in the past you will know exactly what I'm talking about. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, buckle up and read on. For those who finally get what it is I'm talking about by the end of this, you're welcome and knock your shit off. Here goes:
Why is it that whenever you are in a good mood, full of playful delight someone can say one thing, just one thing and it can totally change your entire mood for the rest of the day and just make you IRATE? Seriously I try really hard not to let that happen but sometimes there is that one button that when it is pushed I just fall off the deep end and it's like look the hell out or I will step all over you.
My brother used to call it the "bitch switch". Ironically that used to piss me off even more. It just seems so odd to me that all day long little things can come and go and get on our nerves, irritate us, make us angry but we let them go. Think of how many mood changes we go through in a single day. Well I do at least. But there always seems to be that one nerve that once it's touched there is just no turning back.
Now a follow up question is why do people intentionally hit this nerve once they know how to do so? What sort of sick pleasure are they going to get out of this? Lets examine this:
Let's say you knowing just flipped this so called "bitch switch" which by the way is irreversible by all human measures and to boot, you know this, yet you did it anyway what is going to happen? (this does not apply to children by the way - only husbands, boyfriends, members of the opposite sex in general, friends, well I guess anyone except children)
1. I am going to yell, no, no I am going to scream at you
2. Once I am done yelling, I am going to walk away, possibly while making a one-fingered gesture
3. Once I walk away, I am going to ignore you
4. Don't try to talk to me until the horns retreat back into my skull, my tail retreats back into my ass and my pitchfork is stored safely in the closet.
See I am giving all you people out there a BIG gift right now...once that bitch switch is turned on, the devil is on the loose and if you're the one who flipped it, you better run like hell and hide until it gets turned off. There is no need to ever flip that switch - so a word to the wise....LEAVE IT ALONE!
There are certain things that will automatically flip this: tell a woman she is gaining weight, ask her why would she wear THAT, point out her acne, ask her if she is on the rag or if she is P.M.S(ing), ask her "what did you do all day?", etc. Not smart...just use common sense. When it comes to friends: dating a friends' ex boyfriend, make besties with her worst enemy...instant bitch switch flip!
I'm not going to say I'm proud of any of this, nor am I trying to be a "traitor" but lets just stop with this nonsense. People this is common sense. You just don't piss people off on purpose, unless of course you are really trying to get yourself bitch slapped. And with that I hope I leave you all with a little bit of bitch switch smarts. Just my two-cents as always.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Worry
It's a bad night. A long night. A night I know is going to be rough one, not just because I'm uncomfortable and in pain but because I can't shut my mind off. It happened again, worry crept up and invaded my mind and now I'm playing the what ifs. Oh how I hate this game.
You know it's one thing to worry about normal things when it comes to your children, things like if they run with sandals, will they fall? What happens when they try the monkey bars for the first time? If I take a shower while it's just me and them who will end up with the black eye and how will it happen? Normal things....
Tonight is one of those nights where the abnormal creep into my mind. The horrible thoughts that keep me up at night and make me physically ill, what if my kids end up like me (health wise?)
Those who know me know I am not a religious person, I have been pushed to the max with faith and call it what you will there are those who have been shaken, tattered, beaten and their faith not broken, I am not one of those people. Perhaps someday, but it's just not so at this point in my life. I believe in heaven and hell, God and all that is good and bad but for me I have just not found my own faith. Please leave your judgments to yourself as I have heard them all, thank you.
That being said, I do pray for my children to not have to deal with the crapshoot I have been given as far as health is concerned. I will take every last bit of unhealthy genes that are out there if it will spare them. I am more than willing to take it all if it means they don't have to feel it.
We were listening to music tonight and I was watching them dance around and a song came on that shot me back into my teenage years and I remember going to parties and hanging with my friends, not having a care in the world. Depending on who I was with we would chat up a storm, perhaps have a few drinks, laugh all night long, sit by a bonfire, go back into the woods and make some noise, we lived it up cause that's what you're supposed to do. Never in a million years did I ever imagine my body was a ticking time bomb. In a matter of a few years it was slowly going off little by little. Now that I know what I have to face and have been facing I will need to test my children for such issues because as a lot of ailments are, they are genetic.
Will they have to live with these awful things? Will they be able to enjoy their carefree days of childhood and being an adolescent? Once they become adults, reality sets in and "real life" begins. Paying bills, responsibilities, careers, it's all a part of the life cycle that no one fills us in on until it's on our door step. It's not so fun.
My kids always ask me when they see my scars, "Will I have to have my head cut open? Will I have to have my back cut open?" With the greatest of hope I always reply with the upmost sternness NO! I will do everything in my power to help to make that stand true. I just don't want this for them.
They deserve to be happy and healthy and live their lives with the carefree enjoyment that every child should. I hate that they have seen so much already and once they get older I only hope they won't realize that what I have been going through is something that could potentially lie within their bodies.
Living in fear is something no one should ever have to endure. As parents we will always live with that worry that our children may get a bump or bruise here or there but it shouldn't have to be so scary that it keeps us awake at night. I know I'm not the only one out there. I know it's not healthy to live this way either.
Every child deserves a healthy and happy childhood, well and adulthood too. But as parents we need to make sure we give them the best childhood we can so they can make the best adults they can and pave the way for a bright future. Here's to every child not having to go through any ailments and no parent having to worry...wouldn't that be a perfect world?!
You know it's one thing to worry about normal things when it comes to your children, things like if they run with sandals, will they fall? What happens when they try the monkey bars for the first time? If I take a shower while it's just me and them who will end up with the black eye and how will it happen? Normal things....
Tonight is one of those nights where the abnormal creep into my mind. The horrible thoughts that keep me up at night and make me physically ill, what if my kids end up like me (health wise?)
Those who know me know I am not a religious person, I have been pushed to the max with faith and call it what you will there are those who have been shaken, tattered, beaten and their faith not broken, I am not one of those people. Perhaps someday, but it's just not so at this point in my life. I believe in heaven and hell, God and all that is good and bad but for me I have just not found my own faith. Please leave your judgments to yourself as I have heard them all, thank you.
That being said, I do pray for my children to not have to deal with the crapshoot I have been given as far as health is concerned. I will take every last bit of unhealthy genes that are out there if it will spare them. I am more than willing to take it all if it means they don't have to feel it.
We were listening to music tonight and I was watching them dance around and a song came on that shot me back into my teenage years and I remember going to parties and hanging with my friends, not having a care in the world. Depending on who I was with we would chat up a storm, perhaps have a few drinks, laugh all night long, sit by a bonfire, go back into the woods and make some noise, we lived it up cause that's what you're supposed to do. Never in a million years did I ever imagine my body was a ticking time bomb. In a matter of a few years it was slowly going off little by little. Now that I know what I have to face and have been facing I will need to test my children for such issues because as a lot of ailments are, they are genetic.
Will they have to live with these awful things? Will they be able to enjoy their carefree days of childhood and being an adolescent? Once they become adults, reality sets in and "real life" begins. Paying bills, responsibilities, careers, it's all a part of the life cycle that no one fills us in on until it's on our door step. It's not so fun.
My kids always ask me when they see my scars, "Will I have to have my head cut open? Will I have to have my back cut open?" With the greatest of hope I always reply with the upmost sternness NO! I will do everything in my power to help to make that stand true. I just don't want this for them.
They deserve to be happy and healthy and live their lives with the carefree enjoyment that every child should. I hate that they have seen so much already and once they get older I only hope they won't realize that what I have been going through is something that could potentially lie within their bodies.
Living in fear is something no one should ever have to endure. As parents we will always live with that worry that our children may get a bump or bruise here or there but it shouldn't have to be so scary that it keeps us awake at night. I know I'm not the only one out there. I know it's not healthy to live this way either.
Every child deserves a healthy and happy childhood, well and adulthood too. But as parents we need to make sure we give them the best childhood we can so they can make the best adults they can and pave the way for a bright future. Here's to every child not having to go through any ailments and no parent having to worry...wouldn't that be a perfect world?!
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